How fear of romantic commitment can teach us to bravely embrace all the opportunities life offers:
On the surface, you'll say no. Of course not. That's silly. Why would I not take the very thing I've been asking for?
Then when the possibility of that thing starts becoming real... so do the questions.
- Am I enough?
- Do I have what it takes?
- Can I really do this?
- What if I fail?
- What if they see I was just bluffing all along, I'm not really good enough to do this.
- What if they see the real me and reject me?
- Fill in the blank with your self-doubt here... we all have it.
I had a realization today about romance that I hope will help you take the leap on preparing for your next big thing, whatever it may be.
I chose this photo because it represents where I am... she's out there, somewhere, faceless, and calling me into a new adventure, and she is tugging because I'm terrified of following her to that precipice.
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| Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash |
Have you ever been scared of success?
Have you ever come face to face with the thing you wanted, then realized you were too frightened to take it?
I was once the top pick for a job in a leadership role and pulled my application because I was terrified of getting hired and then realizing I didn't have what it takes to lead. It took me several years and a move to a different building to get that opportunity again.
Recently, two separate individuals in two sperate instances have given me prophetic words; "God has a wife for you".
At first, I brushed off the comments. I'm starting to like my single life (never thought I'd say that) and the idea of starting over isn't as appealing as it once was. I think "I had my chance at love, let me just raise my boys now and write and work on school". In my first 17 months as a Widower, I fooled around with two counterfeit relationships I thought would be serious contenders and then realized later they were just empty promises. In both cases, I find myself SO grateful they didn't work out. I can see in hindsight that they would have been disastrous for me and my boys. Good women, but not good for me.
Then as I prayed about those two individuals giving me the exact same sentence, word-for-word, I heard God say: "Don't put that down". I inferred the meaning to be that I was getting relaxed in my singleness but he didn't want me to lay down that dream. Keep praying for her. Keep praying about her. Keep praying for my kids and her kids. Etc.
Then on the way home tonight, the realization that I really do have a wife waiting in the wings. She's just around the bend, another few rounds of self-improvement, another few invites to random events, she'll be there one day.
The start of our story will begin...
And it terrified me.
Self-Sabotage
When I realized that real intimacy, closeness, aliveness was actually still really possible... not in a "safe" relationship that I can control but in a real, vulnerable, open, NO HIDING way... I got scared.
What if I never live up to her expectations? What if I just end up failing again? What if it's just a trap anyway and I'm better off single forever?
These thoughts led to; "Maybe I should just stay over-weight and broken because then she won't want me and I'll stay safe. No Risk..."
Overcoming Lying to Yourself
The fact is, all of those things are possible. I could fail. I probably won't live up to her expectations. I will have days, guaranteed, that I will wonder if getting married again was a good idea. And so will she.
None of that matters.
If I'm committed to NO HIDING; then I owe it to her, my kids, myself, and to God to work on me.
If we're both equally committed to NO HIDING with God, and pursuing Him even when we don't feel like it, then we are giving ourselves the best chance of success.
Those things are half-truths.
Half-truths are whole-LIES.
The other side of the coin is a possible future in which I've grown because I purposefully dealt with my stuff, and she's grown because she purposefully dealt with her stuff, and we were ordained of God to meet for a such a time as this because we can do more together than alone.
NO HIDING is the key to self-doubt and self-sabotage.
This is just an example. You could be running from your calling in life, a leadership opportunity, an opportunity to find your life partner, an opportunity to raise your kids like a real father, the opportunity to start a business... There could be a thousand scenarios in which you are being called to rise up to the challenge and you are scared that you don't have enough, so you want to shrink back.Once you identify that the thing holding you back is a lie, probably built on top of another lie... you can own your truth.
My truth: I am a different man today than I was when I became a Widower. I am a much different man today than I was the two years and five years prior to becoming a Widower. The man I am today, I'm proud of because my Daddy is proud of me. This man is ready to keep growing, pushing, and developing and one day, he'll be ready to meet someone and be a blessing to her and her family, as she will be to me and mine.
The truth is... our story doesn't begin when I meet her. It begins right now. By my deciding to rise up to the challenge and continue to push forward.
Your Turn: Comment below
What lie is holding you back, making you shrink back, from your opportunity?
What Truth would God replace it with?
If you commit to NO HIDING and bring it to his light, it can get handled right, and then you can push forward to your next opportunity to succeed.
Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!
Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)
Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com
Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ
Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ
Yes. Yes, I have pursued a relationship I thought I wanted for years.....and when it was nearly in my hand, it scared me. And that surprised me. I suddenly realized that I didn't know how to navigate the steps steps. I had been the pursuer, the initiator in nearly all aspects of a friendship turned romantic. And suddenly, my "purpose" in life disappeared. I instantly felt lost and unsure of myself. Perhaps I needed to see this so that I could see that what I was pursuing was actually NOT the relationship. All the self-doubting thoughts flooded and I pulled back. He pulled back too....permanently.
ReplyDeleteThis brought me into grief because now I had lost "my purpose", a friend, and lover. A hard lesson, but necessary for my growth into being authentic. I still have a long way to go. Thank you, Darrel for sharing your insight and wisdom and for being vulnerable and raw enough. It gives me courage to do the same.
Part 2.
ReplyDeleteWhat lie is holding you back, making you shrink back, from your opportunity?
The lie that I am not enough, that he would see me in
all my ugliness and neediness and leave, that my value was wrapped up in whether he wanted to be with me or not.
I see now that the race and pursuit of a relationship with him, was really a pursuit to prove my worth. And so, it HAD to fail, in order that I could see Gods truth - that I was only worthy in His love.