Freedom from Depression | by Bob Hamp

Notes from listening to Freedom from Depression | by Bob Hamp.

1. What is depression?

Depression is a process and not a state of being. You are not on/off with depression. You are either full of life or lacking some life. The more life you lack, the more depression exists.

Depression is: Suppression

The enemy understands you were made in God's image, and He wars to suppress that image in you.


Depression is not: Expression

You were created to express God's image in your geography.

You are always moving further toward one or the other.

Life is a more or less proposition (not an on/off proposition).

Adam plugged into the source of Knowledge instead of the source of Life.

God didn't just kick them out of the Garden, He kicked the Garden out of them. They could once see spiritual Truth with their eyes, they could only now see with the eyes of their heart.

Knowing you need help.... to the degree that you are lacking life, you need more aliveness.

Getting well isn't about your trying harder to believe...

Getting into His Presence is reconnecting to the source, so you can fill up with Life.

It's not just enough to pull up to the gas pump, read the gas pump, be near the gas pump.. you actually have to connect to the gas pump.

Whatever you feed grows...

Sooner or later, you can develop an appetite that is so serious, you can't imagine anything else.

Shame is what happens when we're exposed and we run to our knowledge of good and evil, we run and hide.

Adam ran and hid not because nakedness was wrong, but because he became aware of himself. He felt the need to hide because he felt shame about being naked before Eve. They felt the need to cover from each other. He didn't want another human to see what he didn't want her to see.

*38:00

2. Depression is a multi-modal process

All of you is involved in depression, not just spirit or emotion. There are five arenas that we can get involved in our own recovery. Also, it's not about pathology (what's wrong) but about measures of health.

Don't think "nothing's wrong with me"; rather, "how could I be more alive tomorrow?"

1. Physical (body)
2. Cognitive (thoughts)
3. Emotional (feelings are chemical experiences)
4. Spiritual (spirit - core of our identity)
5. Social (connection - we were designed for connection, not designed to be alone. Also, connections affect our mindsets (for good or bad))

Isolation: Often people who start to experience shame (something's wrong with me) begin to isolate. The opposite of isolation doesn't mean that you lay bare in front of everybody. In fact, baring all to everyone can be another way of keeping people at a distance. You have to let someone in, way in.

The opposite of Isolation is purposeful choices about intimacy. Who can I share myself with, and what will be mirrored back to me is God's opinion of me.

If you feel the need to pull back, and you don't even know why, don't worry about why. You were designed to be connected, just re-engage and you'll discover why.

If you use the internet to reach out to someone, that can be a first step. But if you don't continue to form a relationship in person you are still isolated. The internet can serve you as a way to foster connections, but cannot substitute real connections.

Those who do the truth come to the light... light exposes and lifts up.

Truth/Uncover: The solution to bad is not to do better, it's to do Truth/Uncover.

Body: Your body is amazingly complex. Chemicals, electrical signals, blood, all perfectly balanced. But when it gets out of balance begins to work against itself. Any machine that doesn't get used, or doesn't get used properly, falls apart.

Nutrition: Comfort food is a biological thing. Some food functions like Xanax. It numbs, and numbs, until you spiral out of weight balance. This causes negative chemical reactions in your emotional and cognitive arenas.

Sleep: Insomnia (lack of sleep) and Hypersomnia (too much sleep) are both symptoms of depression.

Body Chemistry: Interplay of chemicals and hormones and electronic signals are required for you to function normally.

Medication: Medication can temporarily help re-balance the chemicals. This is like a little donut spare tire. Don't expect to drive on the spare tire forever, but use it when you need to. Use medication while you work on other areas to get re-balanced, then change your tire.

Posture: Depression is linked to hunched/head down posture. It both causes it, and is caused by it. Your blood and electrical signals need to flow to the whole body.

• Stretch: Stand up, hands up high into the air, head back staring at the ceiling, stretch your hands high. Hold that posture for a 30 seconds. This will open the neuro-chemical flow and electrical flow of the body.
• Bounce and shake: Stand up, arms at your side, head up, shoulders back. Bounce, slightly, and shake your hands at your side. This causes the electrical and blood flow to get un-stuck.

Relationships: Poor and Good can cause issues. If your relationship patterns have caused you to shut down, shut out friends, stop your routines; that relationship is negative. If it can be fixed, fix it. If not, you may need to cut it off.

Exercise: Causes the body to flow and produces positive chemicals.

*1:10:00
Self-Talk / Agreement / Confession / Hearing: A dialogue can take place in your head and its completely you, but it could be God or the enemy. If you agree with negative ideas/thoughts, you take them in. Feeding true information does not counter false information. You need to deal with the heart. When you hear the voice of God, your heart is touched, not just your mind. It's not about you doctrinally arguing with yourself, it's about hearing God say it to you. What you say with your mouth isn't necessarily what you believe in your heart. Don't try really heart to change what you believe in your heart; rather, connect with God and hear his voice and that changes your heart. BUT, God won't yell over the noise. You must be still and listen to hear Him.If

Cognitive and Spiritual battle plan: "I'm ignoring this and listening to this..."

Spiritual: Spiritual forces are empowered in your life through agreement. They will either work to oppose the work of God or offer a counterfeit.

• Bondage - looks at our need to be fathered and says "I can do that", but then counterfeits. "This will protect, comfort, nurture you", it says. The opposite of bondage is to know (in your heart) that God is your Daddy.
• Spirit of Perversion (Isaiah 19:14): This is not just sexuality, but also doctrine and truth. This spirit distorts and twists God's truth about you or your reality. "I may say something, but you hear something else," is an example of the Spirit of Perversion. Distortion is caused here. If you find yourself not agreeing with God's Truth, this is a result of the Spirit of Perversion/Distortion.
• Spirit of Heaviness (Isaiah 61): The opposite of the Spirit of Heaviness is Joy. You don't win a battle over darkness by agreeing with it/joining with it. Joy is in you because it's a fruit of the Holy Spirit. If you are born again, it is in you (even if it's hidden away and it's been a long time since you felt it). If you just assume that things will always be bad, hard, awful, you've agreed with the Spirit of Heaviness.

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Foundations of Freedom 5/5 | Life in the Kingdom

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 5/5, Life in the Kingdom. These are my notes from this go-around:


People get stuck trying to do God's job or trying to get God to do out job.

"Lord Humble me..." well that part is your job.

You can't change yourself, God does that. But you can participate or not participate in that change.

It's like Wind and Sail. The wind can pass by us with lowered sails and we never move. We need to lift the sail, but God does the moving.

There have been abuses in the church of the following concepts. These abuses are often the confusion between a man-centered kingdom and a heave-centered kingdom.

We live in a spiritual realm and natural realm at the same time. Both must be addressed correctly.

No matter how much we grasp Thinking Differently, the kingdom of God will always be higher and qualitatively different.

We are created in God's image, but He is not created in ours. There are things that are true about us because they are true about Him, but there are things about him that will never be true about us as created beings.

We are no longer citizens of this present world, we are strangers here. We are seated (authoritatively) in heaven.

"Your name is written in heaven" - Who you are has been chiseled into the material heaven is made of.

Your nature has been disconnected from Knowledge and connected to LIFE.

We are learning about to tap into the new nature and let go of old pathways.


So we will look at what's our part and what's God's part in the following areas:

1. Lordship (not man's lordship over man, but submitted to Jesus as Lord)

When we surrender our will to God.

This doesn't mean: I will try hard to do the things he's telling me.

God always does the hard stuff:

• I surrender my will.
• God does the changes.

Let's understand the difference between our "Will" and our "will about some things".

Your Will is your mechanism for deciding, not the decisions. With that Will you decide stuff. When we surrender our Will, we're not just giving up some stuff, we're giving all of it up. We use that will to make decisions about (relationships, money, drugs, etc.). When we say: "I'll surrender my will about money and schedule, but not relationships and drugs," we haven't surrendered our Will at all.

Surrendering our Will means that we actually surrender our entire mechanism for deciding.

Offering a ride to Jesus and saying "I'll go wherever you say to go" is not Lordship. You still have the decision at any given moment.

Rather, getting into the passenger seat and saying "Jesus, you drive" is surrendering our will. You no longer have any decisions to make.

We often think that we are to use our Will to choose good stuff and avoid bad stuff. The foundational problem with this is that this is an exercise of our Will through the Tree of Knowledge. We don't use our will to choose good vs. evil, we surrender our Will entirely. We don't have it anymore.

What is the proper use of the human Will? SUBMISSION

When we accepted Jesus we were saved by him and we will be delivered through him too. Sozo (saved) actually means (Saved, Healed, and Delivered).

Responding to hearing saved us, continuing to respond to hearing heals us, and continuing to respond to hearing delivers us.

*38:55

There are three types of bondage:

• Lack of Clear Definitions
• Bondage to Self
• Obstacles to Deliverance

If you start with the Obstacles you will miss the whole healing/freedom that you were intended for.

Choosing God's voice will always move you closer to your true self.

*40:00

2. Transformation (refer also to Levels of Change)

Our part is to understand the change we're engaging in (Romans 12). Our struggle is not good versus evil, but Life versus Knowledge.

The source of our actions must change for lasting change. You cannot be the source of your own transformation. You cannot logic/reason your way through transformation.

Change is not about me trying harder and doing better, but changing my source so I can change my perspective (which changes how I think/act/feel).

Am I allowing my flesh (mind/will/emotions) to empower the transformation process, or am I surrendering to the spirit (hearing and responding to God).

If all goes according to the Spirit's plan, over time, more and more of His Spirit takes over and less and less of your flesh.

BUT

If you are trying harder to act on your knowledge of good the transformation process CANNOT take place because you are strengthening the very thing that needs to die.

You cannot change by changing the content of your mind. He's not after Compliance and Obedience, He's after Surrender.

You cannot Surrender to The Law. The Spirit requires an intuitive sensitivity, that requires training and it's ok if you blow it. He's not after perfect actions, he's after surrender. Training requires failure, it's not merit based.

He's not after you "getting it right" he's after you "learning how to walk".

Consider an infant learning to walk. The infant stumbles and falls on the first attempts. No parent goes: "Only three steps huh, is that all you got?" The parent says: "Wow, he walked!"

This is because we as parents understand that our job is not to get the child to run a marathon tomorrow; rather, our job as parents is to raise him up so that what he's known coming into the world changes daily until he matures and he's ready to take over our inheritance and take over the business of His Father.

God has no expectation that you will get it right in the beginning. He expects that when you fail, you will turn to him (the source) and allow him to do it again in you.

"Psst... Hey Darrell." Autopilot is about correcting us when we get off course. Autopilot is off course more than it's on course. But the correction keeps us moving to our destination.

Common Fallacy: Death sets us Free

We believe that we will continue to progress with up and down struggles, and death will set us free. If we believe that, we believe that "my death can do for me, more than the death of Jesus".

"I'm trapped in this earth suit and someday I'll be set free. Because I'm not dead yet I can't be free."

Jesus has done for you more than you know he's done.

Baptism of the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit is a member of the godhead. He is the same person we've been speaking about the whole time. He is God. He's the one who saved you, and he can heal you and deliver you.

We're not here to do something FOR God, however, we're invited to do something FROM God through you to the world.

God doesn't want you to run ahead, he wants you to wait, receive, hear, and then go in response. The great thing about the original baptism of the Holy Spirit is that they didn't know what that was, and therefore, they couldn't try to "help God" make it happen. They couldn't engage their knowledge of good.

*I have the T-Shirt without the experience. I have experienced some gifts and giftings and speak in tongues... but I don't have the experience of the Holy Spirit in my daily life, and haven't felt in him many many years. I need to "wait" on Him, expectantly.

This is not a topic to be studied but a person to be engaged and embraced.

*1:07:03

We come to Him not with what we think we need him to do, but what we need (Power, His Fruit in our lives) via His HolySpirit.

Don't try to act better on your Knowledge of Good, rather, wait on Him to empower you. Wait on Him to fill you today, and then again tomorrow, and again more the next day.

The Holy Spirit is to bring LIFE and transformation not rules and regulations.


3. Authority

Power and Authority are related but not the same. Authority is delegated to us.

Power is the ability to accomplish something, Authority is delegated power.

God has the Power (we never will). We have His Authority to use His Power.

Stop and ask God what He's doing. But when you know it's time to use your Authority, don't ask it to change, use your Authority and command it to change.

When Jesus commanded things, they happened.

However, "in the name of Jesus" isn't a tag that gives you license say whatever you want and have God back it. Using God's name in vein, is using God's name to tag something that He didn't tell you to do.

We must be submitted to Him and hear Him before we can act or command.

If you say something but don't trust/believe it will happen, you are not in Faith yet. You cannot take authority out of fear or authority over human will.

God will back it if He said it...


4. Spiritual Warfare

This is the central issue of Spiritual Warfare. 2 Corinthians 10 says we tear down speculations and lofty things against the knowledge of God.

The enemy is not likely poking holes in your tires, but he is there talking to you when you see the flat tire.

The central issue of the enemies' warfare is the voice of deception. It's not what's in front of you, but which voice you will listen to when you are faced with what's in front of you.

In the very worst moment of your life, Satan is waiting to inform you how you should see that moment and what's true about you because of that moment. And so is God.

Key: "Lord, you talk to me about this ___(flat tire, broken fence, bad thing)__. Tell me what's true about this and what's true about me in this moment."

Key: Agreement. Spiritual forces are empowered through agreement. What voice are you agreeing with?

The spiritual world is empowered by whatever you are agreeing with. What voice are you listening to?

The enemy uses what we see and tries to put a filter on your heart to get you to see it his way. God is there saying: "Ask me what I see?"

Children of Israel send 12 spies. 10 come back thinking of themselves as Grasshoppers. 2 come back thinking of themselves as giants.

When the children of Israel were under attack, but turned to God, the enemy died. So who was under attack? If the enemy died in the end, the enemy attacking was actually under attack and didn't know it.

It's about perspective.

If we look at that moment and see the danger, the danger holds the power in that moment.
If, however, we look at that moment and ask God how He sees the moment, God's power holds the power in that moment.

1. Speculations - Thought processes that are rational in nature, based on evidence. But God is bigger than the evidence available to your senses. The enemy wants to get your senses to agree with his interpretation.
2. Lofty Knowledge - Satan can't fight God. Spiritual warfare is the only battle you win by surrendering and waiting. Surrender doesn't mean "giving up" it means surrendering to whatever God says (that means waiting on Him to hear him).

God writes the rules, so anything the enemy does to oppose God ends up causing the enemy's loss.

When our eyes tell us we're losing we're probably winning more than we know.

Since the enemy cannot fight God, he will fight God's knowledge in our minds' eye. He just wants to get us to fear something or want something more than we fear/want God.

The enemy wants us to lift something higher in our heart than God.

• We always win when we surrender.

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Foundations of Freedom 4/5 | Hearing God

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 2/5, Hearing God. These are my notes from this go-around:

Hearing God

When we change the things we've been focusing on, often times the things that that have been holding or harming us will change without our focusing on them.

The presence of God (oven) is what transforms us (dough into cookie). You connect to the source, by Hearing God. Faith comes by hearing.

If a plane flys by and you stop and hear it, what caused the plane's noise? The plane, not you. You just stopped to hear it.

"I am your person"....

God wants to talk to me.

Spirit to spirit exchange. He may not be trying to give us "information/knowledge"... heart to heart... bypassing the mind. Often what we receive is a reality, preverbal... preconscious.

Your spirit then translates that truth through your mind/will/emotions... it may come as an image, word, sense... etc.

Does that word from God align with the written Word (Bible), and does it bring the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, etc.)

When you hear "You can leave" does it fill you with peace, love, and joy, or does it fill you with vengeance, anger, heaviness?

*30:00

Use The Word as a filter:

1. Does what I'm hearing/seeing/sensing line up with the Word of God and the Nature of God as it is revealed in the Word.
2. Does it produce, in you and the people affected by it, the fruit of the spirit in Gal 5?
• Flesh: The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and sorcery; hatred, discord, jealousy, and rage; rivalries, divisions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
• Spirit: But the fruit of the Spirit is:
• love
• joy
• peace
• patience
• kindness
• goodness
• faithfulness
• gentleness
• and self-control.
3. Does it set people free?
• Not necessarily from the circumstance or suffering, but from the power of that circumstance over you.
• Sometimes Paul got free from prison, sometimes not so much. But the Word of God set him free in those circumstances to have peace, love, and joy.

2 Tim 3:16: All scripture is God breathed. The word scripture refers to "documents". This book is God breathed.

Hebrews 4:12: The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edges sword. The spoken Word is alive. The written word is dead until the breath of God is breathed into your heart through them.

The Word and the Book are not the same thing. The Book contains the words of God, but that is not the same thing as the spoken Word of God.

Language is a way we describe a thing, but it is not the thing. We say "car" but car doesn't come out of our mouth. Rather, a mental picture is communicated to another person who knows what car means. But they have different pictures unless they both know what that car looks like.

But when God speaks, the things he speaks come out of his mouth. When God says PLANET, a planet comes out of his mouth into existence.

If God says: "Peace be still", what comes out of his mouth is PEACE in a package that is deliverable and if you will tune into it, it will come inside and change you.

When we reduce the Word of God to a paragraph and a verse, we miss the point. The Word of God becomes a reality in and to us, if we'll allow it.

It's like when you say: "You just had to be there..."

Nobody else can experience your experience. You cannot left brain understand the Word of God. You cannot experience the Word by reading... but reading can help you access the Word which can bring you to the experience.

The Word of Faith is in your mouth and heart... only then is it an experience.

"I love you... and anything that stands in the way of me loving you, even if it's you, I will overwhelm it..."

When we tune in to hear his voice, and all we want is information or correction, He might do that... but what He really wants is to say "I love you" and for that to impact you.

The Word of God is the expression of his heart and intention toward you since before time.

Col 1:17: And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. 
Heb 11:3: The World which was made of the Word of God.

An atom is made of Quarks, quarks are made of energy/vibration/sound. E=MC2. Energy equals Matter times the speed of light squared. But if energy could be slowed down, it becomes matter.

God's Word is literally holding everything together.

The further things are from God the more things fall apart.... What we want to do is get a better knowledge of good so that we can get things right and get back to God.

The further we get from His Word, the more things break down. You cannot make yourself right or start doing right... you just have to get in tune with His Word, and those things will be made right without your trying.

If things are falling apart that is not a sign of your "failure" it's a s sign of your distance from Him.

He is saying: "Come back to me, and I'll bring peace where there was anxiety, health where there was sickness, soundness where there was confusion."

*57:50

Confession

We think of confession of "confessing sin". The word Confession comes from a compound word in the Greek. HomoLogos.

• Homo=Same
• Logos=The Expression of what's in God's heart.

Confession is to say what God is saying. If God is talking about your sin, and you confess sin, then you are confessing. If God is saying you are Righteous, but you are talking about sin, that it not confession.

He convicts the world of sin and righteousness, not just one of the other.

Confession is when we hear, believe, and speak/act.

Here's where that goes wrong. What if we confess not what God's saying, but we want. "I want to be rich and have a Cadillac." We are confession our desires and passions and wants. But if that's not what God's saying, it will only lead to frustration.

A Prayer Offered In Faith Requires Hearing God

The reason most of us don't have our prayers answered, is because we don't take the time to hear God before we pray. So we're just praying out of our desires, not out of hearing.

A prayer that's offered in faith CANNOT be offered in faith unless it came from hearing.

Praying our motives doesn't count and doesn't work. God won't do magic for you. Prayer is not a magic formula to get what you want.

Check your motivations.

• "I got up early for you and I have all these things that I need to hear from you about..."
• "So you got up for you, huh?"

Don't go into prayer with a motivation, a list of things to pray about, just go in to hear. God may have an agenda that has nothing to do with you or your circumstances. Just go in with no expectation other than what He may want to talk about.

God is doing something in the world and wants me to come cooperate with Him. He won't bless MY agenda, but he'll bless me when I get on His agenda.

If power comes to my house through the in wire, to the stereo and back the out wire. If you snip the out wire the power will never manifest. If we study and hear our brains out, but never return it to Him, there's no completed circuit.

You do this through prayer back to him, and through you to others.

If it doesn't go through your life, the power coming to you can't be drawn on. Life comes to me, inhabits me, and go through me. It's a circuit.

"I only do what I see my Father do, say what I hear my Father say..." but then he said "stretch out your withered hand." He completed the circuit, and it manifested.

Sabbath is the frequency on which God broadcasts. It's those moments when you are still that he can speak. If you are constantly running, busy, listening to radio... He may try to interrupt you at a stop light, as you are going to bed or waking up, or in the middle of the night...

"In the stillness, in the quiet place..." God speaks in a gentle whisper.

Don't try to "think what God is thinking"... more like when you hear a plane or car going by... just hear what God is saying. It might just be a phrase or a single word, an image, a sense of something...

Listen.... Be Still....


So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #4

Some of the stuff I talked to Dr. Bob about yesterday:

Arrival (2016), they attempt to establish communication with an alien race. But games made it more
competitive/adversarial. Symbols made it easier to communicate. Sometimes analogies can help.

• How do you pray if your don't Trust God, are mad at Him, don't want to hear him? What if you heard God, and did what He said, and it turned out bad?

"Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him."
"Lord, to who would we go to for answers?"
You have to be honest and open about your hurt, pain, frustrations... and not JUST when you are feeling angry and yelling, but in your calmer moments too. Don't just open the door, yell at God, then close it again when you're calm. Keep the door open, and let your conversations be:

I'm angry with you, I think you didn't do so right by me, here's why....

instead of:

I surrender all...

If that's what they need to be.

• How do you want what you don't want, or stop wanting what you shouldn't want?

Wanting the right things and not wanting the wrong things is a matter of source. The source you are connected to drives the wants. If you are disconnected from your source, the wants/desires will be skewed.

The short answer is... you don't. You don't change your wants... you change your source. But if you are mad at your source, you're wants cannot change. Deal with the source, and let the wants be what they are for now.

• What if God's answer is: "I'm not you?"

That is the crux of God's answer to Job. I'm not you. But what if that's exactly the answer you need. He's not us. He doesn't see like us, think in our limited way of thinking. His perspective is higher and eternal, ours is lower and temporal. Getting His perspective will help us think the way he thinks, which changes the contents of our hearts/minds.

Do to that, the only way to do that, is to connect with Him. Which means having those open, honest discussions, above.

• How do you feel about Medication?

Spare tire: If you have a flat in the dessert, you put your spare tire on. You don't drive that spare tire for ten years, but you put that little donut tire on to get you to a place where you can repair or replace the broken tire. Medication is your spare tire.

Missing glasses: If your sight (spiritually/emotionally) is malfunctioning, put on any pair glasses you can find (even if it's an old pair with the wrong prescription) just so you can see well enough to get where you need to be and get the right fitting glasses put back on again.

Went to Primary Care Dr, and got two at the Primaries suggestion:

Zoloft - takes a while to build up, but will help stabilize.

Xanax - works quick, but not long lasting. Take as needed.

• Helping others...

Helping others is a good thing, even and especially if you don't feel whole yet. LIFE is not an On or Off proposition. You have quantities of it. If you only have 2% LIFE, then you have 2% to give. If you have 51% LIFE, you have 51% to give to others. What you have given, pulls on the source to refill beyond what you gave.

Even if you don't feel whole yet, you keep giving, and it will be given back to you, pressed down, shaken together, running over.


Afterward, hear this on the radio:

Start being aware of the nuanced feelings you have. The more nuanced you can describe them the better.

"I'm noticing that I'm feeling...."

This can be a wonderful tool for helping you drive into the experience of those feelings and process them. Susan David, Emotional Agility

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Foundations of Freedom 3/5 | Kingdom of God

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 3/5, Kingdom of God. These are my notes from this go-around:


There were two book ends of Jesus teaching:

• The Kingdom of Heaven/God is like...
• We often hear this as instructions on "how we should do earth"; but Jesus said The Kingdom of God is like...
• For those who have eyes to see and ears to hear...
• We often hear this as try harder to believe; but this actually has to do with seeing things from a new perspective, hearing a new way, having a new way of thinking (process/perspective) that causes you have new thoughts (content) afterward.

Jesus had a single message during his ministry, with multiple ways it plays out. The gospel Jesus shared on the earth may not be the gospel you've heard all your life.

You've heard: "You are a sinner. Jesus came and died on the cross so you can be saved from your sins and go to heaven when you die." This is truth, and this is a gospel, the Gospel of Atonement... but it's not THE gospel.

Consider: None of that had happened yet when Jesus was in his ministry. Yet, his ministry worked without his death and resurrection having happened yet. Jesus shared the gospel and healed them all, yet had not gone to the cross yet. So what gospel did Jesus preach?

Matthew 3:2 - Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

We see this message as "Straighten up, wait until your Father gets home..." but that's not what repent means.

Before the earth or universe ever was, the Kingdom of Heaven was. Everything that was God, everything he is and is in his Heart to do or be is all that was.

The Love of God is so immense, that there it would never stand in the face of anything that would harm the object of His Love, even if the thing harming the object of his love is the object of his love.

The Power of God operates through the Love of God.

So when Jesus steps into the planet, the power and love of God operated through him. Out of the compassion/love of God, flowed the power of God.

The Peace of God is a tangible part of His atmosphere. If you simply breath it in, it will overpower anything causing your harm/stress.

We tend to think of "righteousness" as the things we should do. But, the righteousness of God is simply the way he designed things to work/function/operate.

We tend to think of the Kingdom of God coming as "won't it be great when there's no more...." but in fact there is so much of what God is that those things that won't be, won't be because they burn away in the presence of what IS.

LIFE existed before living things.

We are to be his Re-Presentatives, to be his likeness on this earth, to be to the earth what He is over The Kingdom.

*28:11 - Repent Defined

For too long we've applied self-effort and religious pressure to Repent.

• Repent does not mean to turn and go the other way, but that is the fruit of repentance.
• Repentance does not mean to change the content of your mind. Replace one thought with another. I was going to sin, but I think I won't.

Repent: Metanoeo: To think differently afterwards -- Thinking changed after being with HIM.

• 3340 metanoéō (from 3326 /metá, "changed after being with" and 3539 /noiéō, "think") – properly, "think differently after," "after a change of mind"; to repent (literally, "think differently afterwards").

We change the way we see/think because we become aware that the Kingdom of God is AT HAND, right there in front of you, at arms length, just reach out and take it, it's here already, right now.

Don't change the content of your mind, change the way you think/see. Your perspective. Once you change the way you think, you'll think differently afterwards.

If you Practice His Presence, continually being aware of the fact that The Kingdom is here, now, with you, in you, in your grasp; you will see things from a new perspective and your way of thinking will be different; which will cause you to then think differently afterwards.

The Problem Jesus Came To Solve

Genesis 2:9: Two Trees, The Tree of LIFE & the Tree of Knowledge

• 2416: ha·ḥay·yîm / chay: age / life / Living Force / fountain of life / source of LIFE
• 1847: had·da·‘aṯ / daath: knowledge / cunning, ignorantly, knowledge, unawares wittingly

Jesus did not say: I came that they might do better, and do better abundantly.
Jesus said: I came that they might have LIFE, and LIFE abundantly.

Life is not measured in on/off, yes/no, life/death...
Life is measured in quantities, you can have more of it or less of it...

Sickness, disease, pain, disorder, brokenness (bodies and minds)... are signs of a lacking, in part, of this substantive source called LIFE. The answer to all healing is an inflow of LIFE.

Genesis 3: Describes The Fall

If I loose my glasses, I have two problems. I lost my glasses, but I also lost the source of finding my glasses.

Sin is no-where mentioned in Genesis chapter 3:7. The fall:

• Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

The results of disobedience were eyes opened to knowledge.

They lost their source, LIFE, and they had to work out of Knowledge (a lower form of knowing/being).

His knowledge of evil showed him something was wrong, but his knowledge of good was insufficient to take care of it.

We lost LIFE through Knowledge, and we try to return to our source through Knowledge.

Science and Religion both fail us because they are based on Knowledge, and not LIFE. Their solution becomes the very problem they are trying to solve.

The Pharisees knowledge of good was the enemy of LIFE himself.

Jesus said to the woman at the well, in Samaria, "If you knew who I was, you'd ask and I'd give to you living water,.... then he addresses her source... ".

The woman said:I perceive you are a prophet, searching her knowledge of good for an answer.

Jesus' invitation was for her to surrender to his lordship.
She perceived religion/religious debate, better behavior.

I cannot know enough good things, or avoid enough bad things, to become the person He made me to be. I need LIFE, and more and more of it.

*1:00:09/chapter 3

Jesus came to do for you what you cannot do for yourself. No leper can decide to be whole, Jesus had to do it for him.

The fulfillment of the Kingdom of God is about the power of God expressed to you; then in you; then through you to others.

Your knowledge of good/evil will not give you power, only data. Power comes through LIFE.

The Kingdom of God is like a Radio

You were created to be a receiver. If you are not hearing/receiving the Kingdom you are not:

• Plugged In
• Turned On
• Tuned In

• You can have a quiet time, seeking the knowledge of good, and get nothing but a religious exercise.
• Or
• You can have a quiet time, seeking the Presence of God; plugging in, turning on, tuning in.

What are you doing, right now?
What are you saying, right now?
What are you intending, right now?

The Kingdom of God is like an Oven/Microwave

The kingdom of God has it's own power and presence and imposes its nature on whatever is in its presence.

However, if there's a mixture of people in his presence, we can all cook at different rates/speeds.

So if I want change, I need to put myself into His Presence.


So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

 

Read more →

Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #3

Music

We talked about how music has been a recurring love/hate music pattern for me. How every time I settle down just a little, God whispers music back into my life. I reluctantly agree, instruments flood to me. I finally realized last week that maybe God was just trying to get me to "play".

He suggested, that maybe switching things up (learning new techniques, styles, just playing with sounds without regard to technique, play with open tuning because it forces you out of the grooves and patterns you know) all may re-engage my right brain (emotional/creative) side. Music could really be the avenue through which I could gain access to the rest of myself.

He let me know about Tommy Emmanuel, and Martin XXX?, two men who were known Thumb Technics. Afterward I found this: My Life As A One-Man Band | Tommy Emmanuel | TEDxMelbourne. Chet Atkins inspired Tommy Emmanuel. It reminded me that I also wanted to learn more about playing BB King stuff.

Legitimate Needs

Addiction and broken behaviors can be an attempt to meet legitimate needs through counterfeits. The key is to learn what those legitimate needs are, and find ways to meet them legitimately.

Some of the needs we identified, are Nurture, Validation/Value, Connection, See Me... Can you get access to those Right Brain parts without another human/addiction taking you there? Can you can access to them on your own? Music may be an avenue through which I could gain access to a side of me that has long been locked away.

Central Processing Units (CPU)

The human heart is a CPU. CPUs are designed to have flow going in and getting processed and going out. They are not designed to retain or hold.

By shutting off Right Brain emotions, it creates a glut/backup in the CPU; which prevents the flow in and out.


So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Foundations of Freedom 2/5 | Levels of Change

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 2/5, Levels of Change, also on Vimeo.

I took extensive notes with PowerPoint charts on 10/31/2013:

• Levels of Change Part One
• Levels of Change Part Two
• Levels of Change Part Three
• Levels of Change Part Four
• Levels of Change Part Five
• Levels of Change Part Six
• Levels of Change Part Seven
• Levels of Change Part Eight
• Levels of Change Part Nine

I will take whatever notes I see but not duplicate my previous notes. These are my notes from this go-around:

The problem is not how hard you try, it's that you are using the wrong tool for the wrong job. Sometimes you try really hard and it actually gets worse. A misguided solution, forcefully applied, makes it worse.

*Note: This happens when "Christians" try to use "Conversion Therapy" on the LGBT people who themselves want change. The Church often tries to give them a better knowledge of good, which doesn't bring any lasting healing to anyone.

If you've ever had the thought: "It works for everyone but me", this is your class.

When we think of Levels, we think linear progression of trying harder and getting better... that's not what we mean by levels.

***

Diapers & Potty Training

Early Stage - I change the diaper, it get's messy, I change it, it get's messy. Constant change but nothing's ever changing.

Potty Training - Once this change sets in, it over-rides the previous type of change, rendering it un-needed.

Each level of change has dominion over the lower levels. Once you are potty trained, diapers are no longer needed at all. The type of change changes the quality of the entire experience.

***

Levels of Change

Environment (L1) - The lowest level of change.

"If only I could get a better job, new church, new family... "

If we believe changing our environment will change us, we are already in bondage to that belief.

Circumstance cannot dictate Freedom, or the lack thereof.

***

Behavior (L2) - The second lowest level of change. Connected to Think/Feel.

"I'll be free if I stop/start this behavior...." The most you try to change, the harder it becomes.

At this level you can accomplish some things, but not the thing you're hungry for.

This is the level of your experience. I'm doing fine, feel great, think I'm well.

You do something stupid, you think "stupid", then you feel stupid. Once this happens, what are the odds you'll do something smart? Not high, because that sets up a self-feeding cycle.

My focus organizes my life - the cycle I set is based on my focus.

Using your mind to control your behavior you will fail.

Behavior (act/doing) controls/affects your environment.

***

Capabilities/Limitations (L3) - The definitions of our heart about what we can/cannot do/think/feel, convincing us that it can never be different.

This is less measurable.

There is a thermostat in our heart. If you think anything about you cannot be changed, but it's counter to what God said about you, you have believed a lie.

As you push and push to change behavior, it gets harder and harder until it runs against the lie (thermostat) and it pushes down on the behavior to align it with the belief.

***

Beliefs (L4) - Expectation

Many churches issue a "statement of belief" about what they do/don't believe. Those are not beliefs, those are thoughts. Language that is conscious and expressible to others is based on thoughts.

Thoughts reside in the mind and is conscious, can be described, and can be changed.

Beliefs reside in the heart and is not conscious, cannot be described, is hard to change, is felt. Most people are unaware of beliefs until you suddenly become aware of them. They are usually hidden, but they determine your experience.

As a man thinks in his heart (not mind) so is he. These hidden beliefs determine everything you do/think/feel.

In one session, Dr. Bob handed a depressed woman a list of verses. He didn't ask her to read them and believe them. Instead, he asked her to let God read them to her. She suddenly snapped a new belief that forever over-rode her previous beliefs in a moment.

It's not important to change WHAT you believe, it's important you plug into a new SOURCE of Truth.

One young man said to him that he was so glad that his dad left, because when dad came home he was angry. If he wasn't angry we walked on egg shells to keep him from getting angry. The atmosphere of the house changed when dad left, for the better. 

*** Hm... That's interesting... Reminds me of my relationship with my oldest son. I wonder if he'd say the same about me... Both boys said that I'm Raphael the Ninja Turtle, because he's always angry.

Too often we treat God as though he were angry with us.

*49.33

***

We know things we dont' know. We know "God loves us". That's a thought, 99 times out of 107, that's a thought. But in our heart we believe: "Yeah, God wrote John 3:16 so he's stuck with it, but he doesn't really like  me".

We don't like us, so we impose that feeling on God.

We then have experiences consistent witha  grumpy God, which reinforce that belief.

We talk about spending time with Him in the morning, but the picture we have of him is so incorrect that we aren't drawn to Him.

Do you ever say of your LOVE, "Uhg, I have to spend time with them today". But we say that of God all the time, "Uhg, I have to do my prayer time today".

The disciples loved Jesus and enjoyed his presence. Crowds were drawn to Him because he was likable. When you see God and His love for you, you'll be drawn to him.

A Bennie Baby is worth $0.25 in materials. The retailer sells them for $5.99. Someone once paid $1,000.00 for a specific one on eBay.

What's it really worth? Trick question, depends on who you ask.

If you ask the manufacturer, $0.25.
If you ask the retailer, $5.95.
If you ask a little girl, $1,000.

Evolutionary biologists would say a human is worth about $1.39 in materials.
The culture could say you are worth who you are followed by.
Jesus said you are worth his life/death/resurrection. He puts no value on your higher than his highest.

When you recognize what God says about you, and you begin to agree with it in your heart... that Truth will set you Free.

*1:04:59

Identity (L5)- is the only area we have NO control over. We cannot change at this level, but that's good news... more on that in a moment.

In the church we don't talk about some things enough, but we talk too much about other things, poorly. One of these frequently but poorly discussed areas is "sin".

We often define Sin incompletely as a behavior/thought/feeling or a set of behaviors / thoughts / feelings. So we deal with sin by trying to change our behavior / thought / feeling.


* Trap One:

Because we miss-define sin as something I did or thought or felt but shouldn't have; so we try to solve this by altering our behavior. Trying to solve sin by altering behavior is going back to the dirty diaper/environment level of change.

When we bring God our behavior, we bring part of the problem to the whole of God's solution. We take Tylenol for cancer.

We go to the cross and say: "Thank you for the cross (dying for my behavior) and the resurrection (coming to life again to help me change my behavior)".

"Jesus forgive me for what I did..." So you only get help for the past, not the present or future.

But it's not after something happened, but before it happened, that we need help.

Sin is FAR worse than bad behaving people.

The problem is worse than you think.


* Trap Two:


Sin is the absence of God (who is LIFE) in the human soul. = Sin is the presence of Death (absence of LIFE) in the human soul.

We search for things to make us feel alive (sex drugs rock&roll, but also ministry and doing good).

Jesus didn't die on the cross because you deserved the death penalty for your bad behaviors...

Jesus died on the cross to take what you have (death) and trade it for what he has (life)... It's changing the source of your being, not your actions and behaviors. It's not that there's something wrong with our behavior, but something wrong with US.

Jesus didn't die for what you've done, he died for who you are.


**About 1:20:00

Three layers of opposition

1. Demonic Oppression looks different in third world nations than it does in 21st century society, because the enemy attacks you at the area you are most vulnerable. We define reality based on things we can touch/see (material) and reason (intellect); therefore, you'll be attacked in the mind.

"You're going to fail... it'll never work... you stink at his..."

I've never woken up with hardcore rap in my mind. Why? Because it wasn't planted in me to bring back up.

The enemy will start the song (I'm never, she never, I always, I'm so..), so that you'll finish it.

*1:31:00

"I never wake up with hard core rap in my mind, why? Because there's nothing in me that agrees with that. I'm not saying that music is bad, but that I don't listen to it so it's not in me. Demon's use what is in you and the more you agree with it the stronger it gets and the more you disagree with it they lose strength."


2. The World. Systems in the fallen world that have an impact on how we perceive and what we believe. The circumstances of the Acrobats life worked in him to crush who he was born to be. One of those world systems is the Family.

• The Family: was designed to transmit blessing for 1,000s of generations. But in a fallen world the family can transmit failure. "If my dad left me, it's difficult to believe God won't."
• The Church. We set up systems in the church where the pastor is set up with an authority you can accidentally receive error by giving the church too much authority. The Church can be just as painful for people as any other system in the world.

3.  Your Flesh. Your flesh is that part of you that you travel around in. Read Romans chapters 6-9 describes how Jesus sets us free from the flesh.

• Old Nature/Sin Nature - The fallen sin nature we were born with. Your Central Processing Unit (CPU) is corrupted, corrupting the code.
• Nervous System/Flesh - the body, circulatory system, nervous system, nervous system, nervous system... it's the system that feeds you back information about your experience. The enemy is working in the world around you to shape your experiences in order to shape your beliefs.
• Spirit/New CPU- Your new CPU is installed, but your nervous system is still programing you based on it's current code, even after you get saved. You can get a new Central Processing Unit (spirit/CPU), but if you are operating on old code, you'll still get corrupted results.

The Kingdom of God is like - An Amputee:

Amputees experience Phantom Leg syndrome. The foot may be gone, but it still itches. The nervous system still believes that the foot is there, and it tells him it itches. Many doctors mistakenly prescribe pain pills for this, but that only reinforces the nervous systems' belief that the foot is still there.

However, they had to learn to teach amputees to stimulate the new leg ending to start to train (re-code) the nervous system to see the new leg ending. They rub it with various materials...

So it is with us, the more we wrestle with the Old Man we reinforce that he's still there/alive. Therefore, the solution for getting the New Man activated is to stimulate the new nerve endings of the spirit.

You DO NOT have to read the bible, pray, go to church... none of those things are going to save you or make you a "better Christian". But if you do those things, they can help stimulate the New Man and help you focus on what is and not what it not.

****

What's my #1 Take Away(*s)?

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

See me... don't change me?

Dr. Bob Hamp asked me a difficult question to ponder last time we met. He told me not to come up with answers right away, but to be pondering:

How can you start to have your legitimate needs met legitimately, rather than through the counterfeits you've used (or are using)?

I suppose the first step is to figure out what are my legitimate needs? What am I not getting that I sought to get from others (bosses, workaholism, drugs/alcohol/other addictive behaviors)?

What is it that I'm getting from the men I've started to hang around that I didn't feel I was getting elsewhere?

I tied one thing in today, as I pondered. The guys and I are starting a Podcast (name pending - current working title Lost and Found "LaF", outcasts and infidels getting to know THE JESUS rejected by religion).

Our goal is to reach those who aren't "accepted" by the church or religion.

I've been thinking about my self-talk when I come home, conversation with my spouse. What is it that I think/feel?

"Pressure" - comes to mind. So many things in the house need me and I'm not enough to produce for them (too broke to fix the appliances which ALL need to be replaced). Every scratch, dent, broken light switch, is another reminder that I'm not enough. I don't have it in me. Every time my wife or kids are disappointed in my behavior or choices, every time my wife reminds me not to make a purchase because we're broke... it's just more and more layers of pressure to be something more that I can't be.

My friend Rudy, and others recently, accept me for me... just me. They will encourage my growth, but... they see me?

I don't feel that my some of the people closest to me see me, but the person she wants me to be. It may not be true, but it's how I feel when I'm there. Like I have to be the idealized version of their version of me... and I can't be. Then again, I've learned that may be my fault, not theirs.

I thought it was interesting that the INFJ type actually says (under weaknesses):

• Extremely Private – INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea. This is partly because they believe in this idea, but also because INFJs are extremely private when it comes to their personal lives, using this image to keep themselves from having to truly open up, even to close friends. Trusting a new friend can be even more challenging for INFJs.

I don't know, it's a half thought. But... it's what I have today.

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

I'm just so tired...

I'm just so tired...

Why is so hard at home ? Why can't I be "real" here in my own house? Why am I so guarded?

Listening to Bryan D. thinking about it: Bryan Duncan Traces of Heaven




So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

A question to ponder: Why am I so surprised when God comes through for me?

A year ago, or so, I had a growing idea to start a Podcast. I less-than-diligently played with my audio recording function and had nothing to say when the mic was on. My best times are discussing the things of God with others.

So I thought... maybe I could start a Podcast with another guy or several, and talk in that format. Invite guests... but I don't know anybody I could do that with... I don't have friends... whatever...

So then, recently, I started hanging with a group of rough and raw christian guys. The kind who are unafraid to be open and honest about their struggles and doubts; but also, their successes and triumphs.. One guy started a podcast with a group format. Where regulars and visitors can come and just talk... I joined the group...

Then tonight it hit me... that desire from a while back just got answered. It came in a package and format I wasn't expecting and didn't recognize until the second recording was wrapped up and we were sitting at Taco Bell discussing it...

God totally met my desire... wow...

Then one friend said: "Why do you keep seeming so surprised by these things (God coming through)?"

I don't know? But it really is bugging me... my whole life God comes through, and I don't know why I'm so surprised. Why don't I trust Him to do this by now?

What things are so broken in me that I cannot believe He'll do it again, and again, and again? Why do I doubt he will THIS TIME (every time)?

A question to ponder....


So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

The Word & The Spirit - Life & Death

In Acts 2:41, three thousand were saved. 

It was asked in a meetings recently if this was circling back to an earlier scripture parallel. It does, and here is the backstory:


After Abraham had kids who had kids who had kids… over time… a nation arose within the land of Egypt. They were called The Children of Israel (Abraham’s grand-kid Jacob was renamed Israel, these were his offspring). They came to Egypt when Jacob/Israel was still alive and his son Joseph helped deliver them and the nation of from a famine. As they stayed there over 430 years they grew to a nation but also became slaves.

Moses was called to set the nation of Israel free from Egypt, and this is the first time the distinct “Nation of Israel” was birthed. Prior to this, they were a people within a people. So just as Abraham was called “out from his people”, so this nation within a nation was called out to become its own nation. God was doing on a national level the same thing he’d done on an individual level some 500 years before.

They were birthed through miracles, passed through the red sea, and Moses left them to go up to the mountain to talk to the God who’d delivered them. However, they had just spend 430 years worth of generations in the land, culture, traditions, and mindsets of Egypt (spiritually = The World). Those old mindsets were ingrained in them.

When Moses stayed up there over 40 days (over a month) they began to think he wasn’t coming back. So they begged Aaron to make them a god of gold to worship. This is the mindset/culture that they’d just come from just a few months before. They sinned by doing this, rejected The God for a smaller god they could understand.

Now, Moses was on that mountain receiving the Word of God. God literally hand wrote the commandments on tablets for Moses to bring to the people. That was interrupted when God told Moses what they’d done, and threatened to kill them all and start over creating a nation from Moses’s kids. Moses pleaded with Him not to, and went down to the people.

But when Moses got to the camp, he became so angry that he threw the tablets down and broke them. He then got so mad at what he saw that he had the priests go through the camp and kill the people involved in this treachery and 3,000.00 people were killed the same day the Word of God was supposed

Hear this::

• The same day the WORD was to be delivered, 3,000 people died from their SIN.

• In Acts 2, The same day the SPIRIT of God was delivered to mankind, 3,000 people were saved from their SIN.

The Word (laws to obey/good deeds) without the Spirit (living power to become a new creation) brings death, but the Word (living an active) through the Spirit (activating force) brings LIFE.

You cannot live by the Word without the Spirit.

********

By Darrell Wolfe | #BeStillBeLed

Story Teller | Creative | INFJ | Intellection | Learner | Ideation | Achiever | Input | Multipotentialite

New here?

• Start Here for more information.
• Ask me anything
• Got LIFE? Not sure, click HERE to find out.
• See DarrellWolfe.com for more of my sites.

Read more →

Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #2

As I sit here... pondering my day and second session with Dr. Bob, I'm a whirl of thoughts and maybe even some... dare I say... emotions?

In his book, Think Differently Live Differently (affiliate link), Study Guide for chapter one (pg14-15), he asks a question related to the Parable of the Kingdom (Acrobat) that seemed almost trite at first.... but now it's starting to gnaw at me... like it's more important than I realized.

Come and Play - What's something you loved to do as a child? Can you do that this week?

While I ponder all of the days events, conversations, and this question... I'm listening to A Deeper Level: Live (affiliate link), by Israel & New Breed. The opening song, So Come (with intro)(YouTube link) always found a way to stir my heart, even at it's hardest. Something about it reminds me of.... me... younger me.
I had a love hate relationship with music and worship all my life.

When I surrendered to Jesus on August 8, 2002, I was playing worship songs ANGRY at God at the time. I told him I'd do anything but pastor.

He said "go back into music."
I replied anything "anything but pastor and music."
He said, "you asked."

So I did... he immediately confirmed with signs and wonders... but then it got hard again.

I had taken music, over the years before and since, and turned it into a chore. Something to perfect. The harder I worked it, the harder it got, until one day.... I just couldn't take it anymore and I put it all away.

I'd then pick it up, put it away, and so on...

When I think about "why"? I get the feeling: "Fake". I always felt like a sham, fake, like everyone else here is genuine but me.

I knew I was saved, spirit filled, born again... so it wasn't that...

I knew I was forgiven, blood bought, blood washed, the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, more than a conqueror..... yada yada.... That wasn't it. I didn't feel guilty.... just fake.

Like.... if I believe this stuff, which I do, why am I still filled with more desire to do "wrong" than "right"? I'm going to leave this worship service I'm leading, go home, and before the night is over I'll have turned on pornography.... wished for a pill to pop... wished for a swig of JD... and I have no business standing here in this condition.

...until one day... I just couldn't anymore.

I not only stopped playing, I stopped listening. I couldn't sit in a worship service in any church, I'd either show up late to miss it on purpose, or go to the bathroom or find someone to talk to in the lobby... find a rock decoration very interesting... anything to keep me out of service during music time. I couldn't hear it on the radio, unless I endured it for the wife and kids. It was silence or talk radio. That was all before I even left California to come to Texas. I had a brief reprieve, having changed my environment (lowest level of change), but only brief. Then I just still couldn't do it anymore... again.

One day, I was feeling rather dead... I heard HolySpirit say to me: "Sing to me... like you did when you were younger."

I got so mad! Music... there it is again! I picked up my guitar, only now my callouses were gone. It hurt, I played so badly it hurt my music-sensitive ears. I nearly threw the guitar across the room... "See, I can't!"

Recently, I've been in a church that plays exceptionally good music... even for my discriminating tastes. So good in fact, there's NO change I'd end up on the platform because it would take far more work to get back up to speed and then further to get to their speed... but this means... no pressure. Nobody is going to say "Oh, you play? We need you on stage!" They've got more musicians than they can handle, and certainly better ones than me. No pressure to play...

In that zero pressure environment... with world class musicians... I find myself free to just... play! I play the one instrument I have the least training with, and found the most enjoyment with... drums! I take my air sticks, and play along with the drummer. One guy even commented that he enjoyed sitting behind me that day because my playing air drum really ministered to him... if you can believe that?!

In light of the Parable of the Acrobat (Kingdom), younger didn't mean the 13 year old that was learning to play guitar by playing worship songs (all four chords, LOL)(this was the image I had in my head when he said younger).

Younger meant MUCH younger... the youngest pictures I have from my child-hood (six months years old, two and three, etc.) show me in front of a piano, pretending to play a guitar, playing a kiddy-drum set... I wasn't REALLY playing any of those things.  I was just playing.

Music was an experience to be had (right brain), not a craft to be perfected (left brain). It was Playing In His Presence! For some people this question might mean that they pick up the guitar again, or start writing that story, or get the tools out and work on their hot rod.... for me... I think it means, in part, that I need to pretend to play those things and just PLAY in His Presence.

----

Today with Dr. Bob we chatted about many things... I'm learning I don't have to memorize them all... but I'd like to preserve the most important things here in case I forget.

Emotions are not bad, unless peeing is bad. Peeing releases the toxins built up in the bladder after cleaning your system. Expression of emotion is the same kind of release. Crying, though it doesn't feel "good", is a release of toxic emotions that the spirit is trying to clean out of the system. If you don't let the crying continue, you stop the cleansing, and back up the system creating toxic build up.

The mechanism of addiction is fueled by Pain and Emptiness. If we can remove those fuels, even without removing the mechanism, we can make strides toward Freedom.

Right/Left Brain and the Language of Emotion. Small children/babies, are incapable of using their left brain to describe things yet. They are almost wholly developing their right brains. The stares into your eyes are their attempt to establish connection. That "experience" is totally right brained. As they develop, they learn language "ouch" "sting" to describe the experiences they have. The left brain develops and ideally adds to the overall experience by the gift of language. However, as we develop we often over develop the left brain to the point that we then retreat into the left brain; being able to describe experiences we are not having. Thus: "I understand and agree (left brain) that God loves me, but I don't believe/feel (right brain) in my heart that He loves me."

Why did Jesus teach in Parables? So that seeing they wouldn't see and hearing they wouldn't hear.... in other words... so that they would not learn something with their left brain that they haven't LEARNED (experienced) with their heart (right brain). He was trying to bring them an experience not a new set of thoughts.

Open an emotional conduit - Spock is a bad idol, cast that idol down. I've lived a life believing I had MORE emotions than other humans (like Spock/Vulcans) and needed to turn down the volume through drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, or whatever other thing I could use... blogging.... But what if I don't have more emotions than others, I just have them backed up (I haven't emotionally peed in years). There's so many emotions because I'm not expressing/experiencing them, creating back pressure. By living in the left brain, I'm describing things I'm not experiencing, but I'm also lacking the language of emotions (right brain language). Without that language I lack the conduit through which to fully experience. And if I have an experience I cannot describe, I discount it and push it down. It's like I have a fire hydrant's worth of emotion trying to squeeze through a conduit the size of a straw. By widening the conduit (through developing language around emotion and allowing the experience, not stopping it), the flow will increase but the pressure from the back up will eventually lessen. Eventually, I could reach a place where they flow freely and the pressure behind them will be missing. The conduit can be increased like any muscle in the body. However, until I develop that right brain language, I may have experiences I cannot describe. Dr. Bob will work with me to develop that language, but I may find myself having experiences I cannot describe or understand, just let it be.... let it happen...

Establishing real connections with others, instead of the counterfeits I've been trying to use. That means opening up, and telling trusted others what you need from them; in bite size pieces if need be. This will be scary, but I need to start to consider what this could mean for me, logistically. How I can start to establish the connections to get my legitimate needs met legitimately, instead of through counterfeits? If I've lived a life deaf to emotions, I will need to find these connections in new ways... and take them in smaller pieces so as not to overwhelm.

On that note... I'm going to go experience this song... then either head home or... yeah I should head home. I can finish reading there. :)

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →

Foundations of Freedom 1/5 | A Kingdom Parable

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 1/5, A Kingdom Parable. These are my notes from this go-around:

What are you seeking?

What you seek first, organizes everything else in your life? Jesus said it this way, seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these other things will be added to you.

• If I seek first freedom from pain, pain will be in control of my life.
• If I seek first freedom from poverty, poverty will be in control of my life.
• If I seek first freedom from addiction, addiction will be in control of my life.
• Are you seeking freedom FROM xxx (pain, addiction, hurts, behaviors...)?

When you seek first the Kingdom of God, then the Kingdom has power over your life to deal with the things you need to deal with.

Don't adjust the machine, until you've plugged it in. It needs a power source before you can adjust the settings.

Seeking first the KOG is about plugging into the power source.

How do we think about the things we think about?

*3:40

How you perceive the world around you, and what you do with what you perceive.

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Not WHAT a man thinks in his heart, but AS a man thinks in his heart. The way that we think, is the way we are.

Three levels of thinking differently

1. Bad Definitions - *5:40 We were made for Freedom. Our soul pushes toward it.
• If our definition of Freedom is wrong, we'll labor for the wrong version of Freedom.
• If our definition of marriage is wrong, we'll labor toward the wrong version of marriage.
• The truth that sets people free is not having our facts and doctrine right.
2. ?? - Didn't catch points 2 or 3
3. ?? - Didn't catch points 2 or 3

We have a definition of freedom that is inaccurate, as the absence of something. If a prisoner thinks of freedom as the absence of bars, he's mistaken... because the bars got there for a reason.

If we think of freedom as the absence of something, we're already stuck. We don't define absence as the freedom of something, but the presence of someone.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. However far you allow the Lord in, your freedom increases. He'll go as deep as you let him.

It's now what you know, it's how you know it.

We're not looking to replace one thought for another, we're looking to replace the way you think.

Freedom is not when we have our facts or doctrine right, it's when we have our facts from the perspective of God himself.

Have you noticed that when God shows you something, it didn't change the circumstances, it changed you, and your perspective?

God always gives us what we need, but not always what we think we want. Often times our problem is that we don't see what we need and want from his perspective.

Kingdom Parable - The Parable of the Acrobat *5:30

The kingdom of heaven is like an acrobat that fell off a wagon. A long time ago there was a troupe of acrobats, who was so phenomenal that they seemed to defy gravity itself. In this troupe of the greatest acrobats, there were the two acrobats greater than the rest, a man and woman. They fell in love, married, and had a child.

The troupe and parents began to think about the genetics of this child, and what he would be capable.

As they traveled, somewhere in the night, the baby fell out of the wagon... but no one noticed. The next morning, the mother reaches back to find touch him and finds him missing. She panics, the troupe panics, and they go back to find him. But after much searching, they cannot find him. Fear. Dread. Anxiety. Nothing, they cannot find him. They eventually had to move on, in great sadness.

They did not know that a farmer and his wife were traveling behind on the road. They were far enough behind they did not know about the wagon train. They were close enough to find the baby before wolves or bears found him.

Then fear set in the woman's heart, because she had given up hope of ever having a child. The farmer became a hard man, he would till the ground, do his duty, and that was all he needed to do. The woman would do her duty, but the home was cold. She filled with fear and anxiety, and he filled with anger and bitterness.

They couldn't find the parents of this child, so they took him home. The mother is fearful, trying to make the best of it. The father is frustrated, but accepts the child, or her need for the child. He's not happy to have the child.

• At the point the child fell from the wagon, was still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the trauma of his birth circumstances.

• When the farmer's wife lays him down in the farm house, is he still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the trauma of his birth circumstances.

The child becomes a toddler, his heart burns to climb to the heights of the furniture or curtains, he is fulfilling his DNA. But the mother is filled with uncertainty and fear. By age two he learns that if he lives out who he is, his mother pays a price. The father wanting to counter act his wife's fear, he gets angry at the child. He is now caught between the mother's fear and father anger.

As he grows he finds new ways to defy gravity, but gets wiser about when/where he tries it.

One day, he has found a way to counter balance and climb to the highest point in the house, the refrigerator. Just then, the mother and father both walk in. Mother in fear, snatches him down. Father in angry response to her fear, swats him. At the crescendo of their emotions, something happens in his little heart.

"I cannot be me, it's too high of a price."

• At that moment, was he still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the turnings of his heart, or leanings of his soul.

At ten, the farmer father takes him out to the field. His heart leaps at the new heights, trees, ropes from the barn, etc. The father redirects his eyes to the ground, "we've got work to do". The farmer also shows pride as he does good work.

He learns that he can not only avoid pain by not being who he is, but reward by being a different version of himself.

One day, he was distracted by the sights of things he could be climbing, his foot gets caught in a whole and he twists his knee. The farmer yells, "what's wrong boy?!", and he tries to pretend his isn't injured.

Over the years, he gets older. He meets other kids, but the frustration expresses itself through his muscles in fights. He gets a reputation of being a violent young man.

He's down at the feed store one day is a poster of an acrobat troupe. Something long forgotten leaps up within him, and he heads home to start the campaign to go see the acrobats. He wins the campaign, and they go.

Afterward, he's interviewing the acrobats, asking questions. The farmer and his wife stand to the side. They notice an older couple their age, dressed like acrobats, but they didn't see them perform. They strike up a conversation.... and over the course of the conversation, they each discover the boy belongs to this older acrobat couple.

As he comes back to the two couples, he finds out who he is the first time. All the struggles he's had all his life starts to take on whole new meaning. He's looking at the same things, but he's seeing them all with new eyes.

Then it dawns on him, what had already dawned on the adults. He has a choice. He could go home and stay a farmer. Or he could go and pack and go with the acrobats. He realizes there is something about the acrobats that resonates in him as true.

Jesus came to his own creation, but why? Did he come to educate, inform, correct? He came to his Father's sons and daughters, and to tell them they were not who they thought they were. I came that you might have LIFE, Your Life Abundantly. The LIFE he gave us in the beginning.

So what happened next? *41:23

He decides to go with them, and he's now lived with them a year, but he stinks at being an acrobat. He'd spent 17 years learning to farm, and kill his insides. He's starting to think he's not an acrobat after all. He doesn't know how to be like these other's who know how.

Maybe I'm a farmer after all. Maybe I should just go back to the farm.

Meanwhile, the other acrobat kids grew up in the shadow of the legend of the lost greatest acrobat. They want to see him fail, and they tease him.

The father kept looking him in the eyes, telling him he loved him, and saying "if you fall, just get back up, no problem".

Eventually, he found that he could hide and escape at the historians tent. He would go there and read. He discovers who his family is.

Eventually, his mother treats his ankle, it's painful to move in those ways, but he is eventually healed from it. But once the pain/limp is gone, his excuse to not produce is gone.

The stories in the historian's tent continued to entertain and distract until one day, he found himself in the story. The child of promise.

One day he over hears the parents talking. The parents were so glad to have him home, they don't care if he ever swings a trapeze. Their just glad to have him back/restored to them.

The acrobat child cannot believe they love him so much. He runs in and asks, how can you love me when I can't do what you want me to do? Why do you always send me to practice if you don't need me to be that?

"Son, I don't send you to practice for me. I send you for you, so you can be what you are. I love you if you ever perform or not."

He sees himself in his father's love for the first time. It makes him dizzy, confused... he wonders to the practice tent.

For the first time since he was two years old, the feeling in his chest explodes in him. He goes inside the tent, everyone else is gone. He's not working or striving, he not working to learn what he should know, he just starts to play and have fun. He is just being who he is.

A few months later, a crowd in watching as he is capable of greatness never before seen - because he learned to play and express who he is, instead of what he thinks he should be learning to do.

******************************************

What hurts did you experience in life, and what lies did you believe as a result? What relationships or circumstances were you involved in that caused you to suppress your heart and true self, and what lies did you believe?

• Deaconess: Set a better example for the other (older) boys!
• Lie: I learned that I have to do the right thing, be responsible, even when nobody else does, even when I'm the younger one or under authority. I have to set the example for my under-reports, peers, AND, bosses. I always do the right thing, expected thing, publically.
• I'm the oldest, Devin (middle) is my middle brother. He was a screw up who didn't try to live right or do right, I was always the responsible one. We were three years apart. We were at McDonald's on vacation and walked up to a counter, he gets offered free stuff by the lady at the counter, while I (standing there with him) have to pay full price.
• Lie: It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, I will always pay full price, always have to work for my share.
• Starting very young, I learned that girls would pay attention to me and make me feel good physically and emotionally.
• Lie: I would seek women's attention and approval, and reject any that didn't give it, or gave it but I didn't believe them. It became a need. They needed to validate me, constantly to keep up. When they eventually tired of the constant need to reassure my fragile self, they'd eventually reject me. Or, if I felt I wasn't do well in their presence, that I couldn't get that validation from them, I'd reject them. Or, if I got that validation, but didn't believe or trust it, I'd reject them.
• Event(s) - Unknown: I learned that I'm not OK. There is something wrong with me, and I don't know what it is. I can't place it. I'm an outcast, odd, not normal. Maybe it was the spiritual visions and dreams, maybe my "nerd" side, but I always felt like a round peg in a square hole.
• Lie: You are NOT OK, be what they need you to be, but don't be you.

Darrell W.

Read more →

Provider My Ass...Part Two God's Answer

Friday Night / Sat Morning

Dear God,

I find myself silent tonight. Not without words, for you made me a writer. I am without argument. The anger I tried to drum up an hour ago, was gone. It's missing.

Inside, stillness. Weird stillness. Like you silenced the enemy, and you silenced yourself, and I was left alone with my thoughts and only my thoughts for the first time in a long time. 

For future me's sake, and those who may stumble across this post, let me tell you what happened tonight minus details that belong to others.

A friend stopped me in the middle of a conversation we were having and said to me and said he felt led to give me "this", and handed me a folded green amount of money. I took it, shook his hand, and thanked him. Surprised, and honored, and knowing in my heart that despite the fact I don't deserve it because I've been a total ass to God and my family... Jesus blood paid for all that and he was trying to love on me. 

We kept talking, and I told him a few of the things that had been on my heart to tell him, but I knew I needed to wait until after the meeting to do it. 

Further into the conversation, he said he had a different number, but he thought i'd be offended (as we men tend to hate accepting help) and handed me a crisp $100.00. I later checked, and the folded money was actually $40.00.

Few people even know this blog exists, so he didn't know about the post I just wrote this past Monday, October 31, 2016, titled Provider My Ass..

My friend told me later in the conversation (and I paraphrase), that I was going to be like a grace-version of Pharaoh. God did miracle after miracle in his presence, to the point that all of your arguments and rationalizations are destroyed, and you have to know He is God. 

Even if you harden your heart, it keeps coming. 

No matter how hard you try to be, he's going to shower so much love on you, like the Egyptian miracles, that you'll have no argument left.

Between the men I've submitted to... and my Psychologist I just started going to... I have a feeling I'm in store for a total transformation. I don't know what the guy on the other side of that looks like. I don't know if he can restore his marriage, relationship with his children, or day-to-day sanity. I don't know if that guy is sober or not. 

I don't know what the transformation will be... but I believe it will be profound.

Come to think of it... the miracles were for Moses as much as Pharaoh. Moses' heart needed convincing too. He was a reluctant leader, and the burning bush got him moving, but not convinced. By the time Moses left Egypt, He was convinced and obedient. 

God told me a long time ago I would have a Moses and Joshua blend style ministry. I would have to lead them out, and lead them in... so the analogy my friend used was deeply personal for me, even though he didn't know that because I'd never talked about that with him.

I sit here with $140.00, which is what I needed to really prepare for a part-time job thing I want to do. As usual... God shows up and blows my mind.

This doesn't mean I'm less hurt, frustrated, confused, and my desires that run counter to the things I "know" are "right" haven't done away. But a certain intensity is missing... Hm....
So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

Read more →