Foundations of Freedom 2/5 | Levels of Change

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 2/5, Levels of Change, also on Vimeo.

I took extensive notes with PowerPoint charts on 10/31/2013:

• Levels of Change Part One
• Levels of Change Part Two
• Levels of Change Part Three
• Levels of Change Part Four
• Levels of Change Part Five
• Levels of Change Part Six
• Levels of Change Part Seven
• Levels of Change Part Eight
• Levels of Change Part Nine

I will take whatever notes I see but not duplicate my previous notes. These are my notes from this go-around:

The problem is not how hard you try, it's that you are using the wrong tool for the wrong job. Sometimes you try really hard and it actually gets worse. A misguided solution, forcefully applied, makes it worse.

*Note: This happens when "Christians" try to use "Conversion Therapy" on the LGBT people who themselves want change. The Church often tries to give them a better knowledge of good, which doesn't bring any lasting healing to anyone.

If you've ever had the thought: "It works for everyone but me", this is your class.

When we think of Levels, we think linear progression of trying harder and getting better... that's not what we mean by levels.

***

Diapers & Potty Training

Early Stage - I change the diaper, it get's messy, I change it, it get's messy. Constant change but nothing's ever changing.

Potty Training - Once this change sets in, it over-rides the previous type of change, rendering it un-needed.

Each level of change has dominion over the lower levels. Once you are potty trained, diapers are no longer needed at all. The type of change changes the quality of the entire experience.

***

Levels of Change

Environment (L1) - The lowest level of change.

"If only I could get a better job, new church, new family... "

If we believe changing our environment will change us, we are already in bondage to that belief.

Circumstance cannot dictate Freedom, or the lack thereof.

***

Behavior (L2) - The second lowest level of change. Connected to Think/Feel.

"I'll be free if I stop/start this behavior...." The most you try to change, the harder it becomes.

At this level you can accomplish some things, but not the thing you're hungry for.

This is the level of your experience. I'm doing fine, feel great, think I'm well.

You do something stupid, you think "stupid", then you feel stupid. Once this happens, what are the odds you'll do something smart? Not high, because that sets up a self-feeding cycle.

My focus organizes my life - the cycle I set is based on my focus.

Using your mind to control your behavior you will fail.

Behavior (act/doing) controls/affects your environment.

***

Capabilities/Limitations (L3) - The definitions of our heart about what we can/cannot do/think/feel, convincing us that it can never be different.

This is less measurable.

There is a thermostat in our heart. If you think anything about you cannot be changed, but it's counter to what God said about you, you have believed a lie.

As you push and push to change behavior, it gets harder and harder until it runs against the lie (thermostat) and it pushes down on the behavior to align it with the belief.

***

Beliefs (L4) - Expectation

Many churches issue a "statement of belief" about what they do/don't believe. Those are not beliefs, those are thoughts. Language that is conscious and expressible to others is based on thoughts.

Thoughts reside in the mind and is conscious, can be described, and can be changed.

Beliefs reside in the heart and is not conscious, cannot be described, is hard to change, is felt. Most people are unaware of beliefs until you suddenly become aware of them. They are usually hidden, but they determine your experience.

As a man thinks in his heart (not mind) so is he. These hidden beliefs determine everything you do/think/feel.

In one session, Dr. Bob handed a depressed woman a list of verses. He didn't ask her to read them and believe them. Instead, he asked her to let God read them to her. She suddenly snapped a new belief that forever over-rode her previous beliefs in a moment.

It's not important to change WHAT you believe, it's important you plug into a new SOURCE of Truth.

One young man said to him that he was so glad that his dad left, because when dad came home he was angry. If he wasn't angry we walked on egg shells to keep him from getting angry. The atmosphere of the house changed when dad left, for the better. 

*** Hm... That's interesting... Reminds me of my relationship with my oldest son. I wonder if he'd say the same about me... Both boys said that I'm Raphael the Ninja Turtle, because he's always angry.

Too often we treat God as though he were angry with us.

*49.33

***

We know things we dont' know. We know "God loves us". That's a thought, 99 times out of 107, that's a thought. But in our heart we believe: "Yeah, God wrote John 3:16 so he's stuck with it, but he doesn't really like  me".

We don't like us, so we impose that feeling on God.

We then have experiences consistent witha  grumpy God, which reinforce that belief.

We talk about spending time with Him in the morning, but the picture we have of him is so incorrect that we aren't drawn to Him.

Do you ever say of your LOVE, "Uhg, I have to spend time with them today". But we say that of God all the time, "Uhg, I have to do my prayer time today".

The disciples loved Jesus and enjoyed his presence. Crowds were drawn to Him because he was likable. When you see God and His love for you, you'll be drawn to him.

A Bennie Baby is worth $0.25 in materials. The retailer sells them for $5.99. Someone once paid $1,000.00 for a specific one on eBay.

What's it really worth? Trick question, depends on who you ask.

If you ask the manufacturer, $0.25.
If you ask the retailer, $5.95.
If you ask a little girl, $1,000.

Evolutionary biologists would say a human is worth about $1.39 in materials.
The culture could say you are worth who you are followed by.
Jesus said you are worth his life/death/resurrection. He puts no value on your higher than his highest.

When you recognize what God says about you, and you begin to agree with it in your heart... that Truth will set you Free.

*1:04:59

Identity (L5)- is the only area we have NO control over. We cannot change at this level, but that's good news... more on that in a moment.

In the church we don't talk about some things enough, but we talk too much about other things, poorly. One of these frequently but poorly discussed areas is "sin".

We often define Sin incompletely as a behavior/thought/feeling or a set of behaviors / thoughts / feelings. So we deal with sin by trying to change our behavior / thought / feeling.


* Trap One:

Because we miss-define sin as something I did or thought or felt but shouldn't have; so we try to solve this by altering our behavior. Trying to solve sin by altering behavior is going back to the dirty diaper/environment level of change.

When we bring God our behavior, we bring part of the problem to the whole of God's solution. We take Tylenol for cancer.

We go to the cross and say: "Thank you for the cross (dying for my behavior) and the resurrection (coming to life again to help me change my behavior)".

"Jesus forgive me for what I did..." So you only get help for the past, not the present or future.

But it's not after something happened, but before it happened, that we need help.

Sin is FAR worse than bad behaving people.

The problem is worse than you think.


* Trap Two:


Sin is the absence of God (who is LIFE) in the human soul. = Sin is the presence of Death (absence of LIFE) in the human soul.

We search for things to make us feel alive (sex drugs rock&roll, but also ministry and doing good).

Jesus didn't die on the cross because you deserved the death penalty for your bad behaviors...

Jesus died on the cross to take what you have (death) and trade it for what he has (life)... It's changing the source of your being, not your actions and behaviors. It's not that there's something wrong with our behavior, but something wrong with US.

Jesus didn't die for what you've done, he died for who you are.


**About 1:20:00

Three layers of opposition

1. Demonic Oppression looks different in third world nations than it does in 21st century society, because the enemy attacks you at the area you are most vulnerable. We define reality based on things we can touch/see (material) and reason (intellect); therefore, you'll be attacked in the mind.

"You're going to fail... it'll never work... you stink at his..."

I've never woken up with hardcore rap in my mind. Why? Because it wasn't planted in me to bring back up.

The enemy will start the song (I'm never, she never, I always, I'm so..), so that you'll finish it.

*1:31:00

"I never wake up with hard core rap in my mind, why? Because there's nothing in me that agrees with that. I'm not saying that music is bad, but that I don't listen to it so it's not in me. Demon's use what is in you and the more you agree with it the stronger it gets and the more you disagree with it they lose strength."


2. The World. Systems in the fallen world that have an impact on how we perceive and what we believe. The circumstances of the Acrobats life worked in him to crush who he was born to be. One of those world systems is the Family.

• The Family: was designed to transmit blessing for 1,000s of generations. But in a fallen world the family can transmit failure. "If my dad left me, it's difficult to believe God won't."
• The Church. We set up systems in the church where the pastor is set up with an authority you can accidentally receive error by giving the church too much authority. The Church can be just as painful for people as any other system in the world.

3.  Your Flesh. Your flesh is that part of you that you travel around in. Read Romans chapters 6-9 describes how Jesus sets us free from the flesh.

• Old Nature/Sin Nature - The fallen sin nature we were born with. Your Central Processing Unit (CPU) is corrupted, corrupting the code.
• Nervous System/Flesh - the body, circulatory system, nervous system, nervous system, nervous system... it's the system that feeds you back information about your experience. The enemy is working in the world around you to shape your experiences in order to shape your beliefs.
• Spirit/New CPU- Your new CPU is installed, but your nervous system is still programing you based on it's current code, even after you get saved. You can get a new Central Processing Unit (spirit/CPU), but if you are operating on old code, you'll still get corrupted results.

The Kingdom of God is like - An Amputee:

Amputees experience Phantom Leg syndrome. The foot may be gone, but it still itches. The nervous system still believes that the foot is there, and it tells him it itches. Many doctors mistakenly prescribe pain pills for this, but that only reinforces the nervous systems' belief that the foot is still there.

However, they had to learn to teach amputees to stimulate the new leg ending to start to train (re-code) the nervous system to see the new leg ending. They rub it with various materials...

So it is with us, the more we wrestle with the Old Man we reinforce that he's still there/alive. Therefore, the solution for getting the New Man activated is to stimulate the new nerve endings of the spirit.

You DO NOT have to read the bible, pray, go to church... none of those things are going to save you or make you a "better Christian". But if you do those things, they can help stimulate the New Man and help you focus on what is and not what it not.

****

What's my #1 Take Away(*s)?

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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See me... don't change me?

Dr. Bob Hamp asked me a difficult question to ponder last time we met. He told me not to come up with answers right away, but to be pondering:

How can you start to have your legitimate needs met legitimately, rather than through the counterfeits you've used (or are using)?

I suppose the first step is to figure out what are my legitimate needs? What am I not getting that I sought to get from others (bosses, workaholism, drugs/alcohol/other addictive behaviors)?

What is it that I'm getting from the men I've started to hang around that I didn't feel I was getting elsewhere?

I tied one thing in today, as I pondered. The guys and I are starting a Podcast (name pending - current working title Lost and Found "LaF", outcasts and infidels getting to know THE JESUS rejected by religion).

Our goal is to reach those who aren't "accepted" by the church or religion.

I've been thinking about my self-talk when I come home, conversation with my spouse. What is it that I think/feel?

"Pressure" - comes to mind. So many things in the house need me and I'm not enough to produce for them (too broke to fix the appliances which ALL need to be replaced). Every scratch, dent, broken light switch, is another reminder that I'm not enough. I don't have it in me. Every time my wife or kids are disappointed in my behavior or choices, every time my wife reminds me not to make a purchase because we're broke... it's just more and more layers of pressure to be something more that I can't be.

My friend Rudy, and others recently, accept me for me... just me. They will encourage my growth, but... they see me?

I don't feel that my some of the people closest to me see me, but the person she wants me to be. It may not be true, but it's how I feel when I'm there. Like I have to be the idealized version of their version of me... and I can't be. Then again, I've learned that may be my fault, not theirs.

I thought it was interesting that the INFJ type actually says (under weaknesses):

• Extremely Private – INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea. This is partly because they believe in this idea, but also because INFJs are extremely private when it comes to their personal lives, using this image to keep themselves from having to truly open up, even to close friends. Trusting a new friend can be even more challenging for INFJs.

I don't know, it's a half thought. But... it's what I have today.

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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I'm just so tired...

I'm just so tired...

Why is so hard at home ? Why can't I be "real" here in my own house? Why am I so guarded?

Listening to Bryan D. thinking about it: Bryan Duncan Traces of Heaven




So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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A question to ponder: Why am I so surprised when God comes through for me?

A year ago, or so, I had a growing idea to start a Podcast. I less-than-diligently played with my audio recording function and had nothing to say when the mic was on. My best times are discussing the things of God with others.

So I thought... maybe I could start a Podcast with another guy or several, and talk in that format. Invite guests... but I don't know anybody I could do that with... I don't have friends... whatever...

So then, recently, I started hanging with a group of rough and raw christian guys. The kind who are unafraid to be open and honest about their struggles and doubts; but also, their successes and triumphs.. One guy started a podcast with a group format. Where regulars and visitors can come and just talk... I joined the group...

Then tonight it hit me... that desire from a while back just got answered. It came in a package and format I wasn't expecting and didn't recognize until the second recording was wrapped up and we were sitting at Taco Bell discussing it...

God totally met my desire... wow...

Then one friend said: "Why do you keep seeming so surprised by these things (God coming through)?"

I don't know? But it really is bugging me... my whole life God comes through, and I don't know why I'm so surprised. Why don't I trust Him to do this by now?

What things are so broken in me that I cannot believe He'll do it again, and again, and again? Why do I doubt he will THIS TIME (every time)?

A question to ponder....


So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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The Word & The Spirit - Life & Death

In Acts 2:41, three thousand were saved. 

It was asked in a meetings recently if this was circling back to an earlier scripture parallel. It does, and here is the backstory:


After Abraham had kids who had kids who had kids… over time… a nation arose within the land of Egypt. They were called The Children of Israel (Abraham’s grand-kid Jacob was renamed Israel, these were his offspring). They came to Egypt when Jacob/Israel was still alive and his son Joseph helped deliver them and the nation of from a famine. As they stayed there over 430 years they grew to a nation but also became slaves.

Moses was called to set the nation of Israel free from Egypt, and this is the first time the distinct “Nation of Israel” was birthed. Prior to this, they were a people within a people. So just as Abraham was called “out from his people”, so this nation within a nation was called out to become its own nation. God was doing on a national level the same thing he’d done on an individual level some 500 years before.

They were birthed through miracles, passed through the red sea, and Moses left them to go up to the mountain to talk to the God who’d delivered them. However, they had just spend 430 years worth of generations in the land, culture, traditions, and mindsets of Egypt (spiritually = The World). Those old mindsets were ingrained in them.

When Moses stayed up there over 40 days (over a month) they began to think he wasn’t coming back. So they begged Aaron to make them a god of gold to worship. This is the mindset/culture that they’d just come from just a few months before. They sinned by doing this, rejected The God for a smaller god they could understand.

Now, Moses was on that mountain receiving the Word of God. God literally hand wrote the commandments on tablets for Moses to bring to the people. That was interrupted when God told Moses what they’d done, and threatened to kill them all and start over creating a nation from Moses’s kids. Moses pleaded with Him not to, and went down to the people.

But when Moses got to the camp, he became so angry that he threw the tablets down and broke them. He then got so mad at what he saw that he had the priests go through the camp and kill the people involved in this treachery and 3,000.00 people were killed the same day the Word of God was supposed

Hear this::

• The same day the WORD was to be delivered, 3,000 people died from their SIN.

• In Acts 2, The same day the SPIRIT of God was delivered to mankind, 3,000 people were saved from their SIN.

The Word (laws to obey/good deeds) without the Spirit (living power to become a new creation) brings death, but the Word (living an active) through the Spirit (activating force) brings LIFE.

You cannot live by the Word without the Spirit.

********

By Darrell Wolfe | #BeStillBeLed

Story Teller | Creative | INFJ | Intellection | Learner | Ideation | Achiever | Input | Multipotentialite

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Processesing my time with Dr. Bob - Session #2

As I sit here... pondering my day and second session with Dr. Bob, I'm a whirl of thoughts and maybe even some... dare I say... emotions?

In his book, Think Differently Live Differently (affiliate link), Study Guide for chapter one (pg14-15), he asks a question related to the Parable of the Kingdom (Acrobat) that seemed almost trite at first.... but now it's starting to gnaw at me... like it's more important than I realized.

Come and Play - What's something you loved to do as a child? Can you do that this week?

While I ponder all of the days events, conversations, and this question... I'm listening to A Deeper Level: Live (affiliate link), by Israel & New Breed. The opening song, So Come (with intro)(YouTube link) always found a way to stir my heart, even at it's hardest. Something about it reminds me of.... me... younger me.
I had a love hate relationship with music and worship all my life.

When I surrendered to Jesus on August 8, 2002, I was playing worship songs ANGRY at God at the time. I told him I'd do anything but pastor.

He said "go back into music."
I replied anything "anything but pastor and music."
He said, "you asked."

So I did... he immediately confirmed with signs and wonders... but then it got hard again.

I had taken music, over the years before and since, and turned it into a chore. Something to perfect. The harder I worked it, the harder it got, until one day.... I just couldn't take it anymore and I put it all away.

I'd then pick it up, put it away, and so on...

When I think about "why"? I get the feeling: "Fake". I always felt like a sham, fake, like everyone else here is genuine but me.

I knew I was saved, spirit filled, born again... so it wasn't that...

I knew I was forgiven, blood bought, blood washed, the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, more than a conqueror..... yada yada.... That wasn't it. I didn't feel guilty.... just fake.

Like.... if I believe this stuff, which I do, why am I still filled with more desire to do "wrong" than "right"? I'm going to leave this worship service I'm leading, go home, and before the night is over I'll have turned on pornography.... wished for a pill to pop... wished for a swig of JD... and I have no business standing here in this condition.

...until one day... I just couldn't anymore.

I not only stopped playing, I stopped listening. I couldn't sit in a worship service in any church, I'd either show up late to miss it on purpose, or go to the bathroom or find someone to talk to in the lobby... find a rock decoration very interesting... anything to keep me out of service during music time. I couldn't hear it on the radio, unless I endured it for the wife and kids. It was silence or talk radio. That was all before I even left California to come to Texas. I had a brief reprieve, having changed my environment (lowest level of change), but only brief. Then I just still couldn't do it anymore... again.

One day, I was feeling rather dead... I heard HolySpirit say to me: "Sing to me... like you did when you were younger."

I got so mad! Music... there it is again! I picked up my guitar, only now my callouses were gone. It hurt, I played so badly it hurt my music-sensitive ears. I nearly threw the guitar across the room... "See, I can't!"

Recently, I've been in a church that plays exceptionally good music... even for my discriminating tastes. So good in fact, there's NO change I'd end up on the platform because it would take far more work to get back up to speed and then further to get to their speed... but this means... no pressure. Nobody is going to say "Oh, you play? We need you on stage!" They've got more musicians than they can handle, and certainly better ones than me. No pressure to play...

In that zero pressure environment... with world class musicians... I find myself free to just... play! I play the one instrument I have the least training with, and found the most enjoyment with... drums! I take my air sticks, and play along with the drummer. One guy even commented that he enjoyed sitting behind me that day because my playing air drum really ministered to him... if you can believe that?!

In light of the Parable of the Acrobat (Kingdom), younger didn't mean the 13 year old that was learning to play guitar by playing worship songs (all four chords, LOL)(this was the image I had in my head when he said younger).

Younger meant MUCH younger... the youngest pictures I have from my child-hood (six months years old, two and three, etc.) show me in front of a piano, pretending to play a guitar, playing a kiddy-drum set... I wasn't REALLY playing any of those things.  I was just playing.

Music was an experience to be had (right brain), not a craft to be perfected (left brain). It was Playing In His Presence! For some people this question might mean that they pick up the guitar again, or start writing that story, or get the tools out and work on their hot rod.... for me... I think it means, in part, that I need to pretend to play those things and just PLAY in His Presence.

----

Today with Dr. Bob we chatted about many things... I'm learning I don't have to memorize them all... but I'd like to preserve the most important things here in case I forget.

Emotions are not bad, unless peeing is bad. Peeing releases the toxins built up in the bladder after cleaning your system. Expression of emotion is the same kind of release. Crying, though it doesn't feel "good", is a release of toxic emotions that the spirit is trying to clean out of the system. If you don't let the crying continue, you stop the cleansing, and back up the system creating toxic build up.

The mechanism of addiction is fueled by Pain and Emptiness. If we can remove those fuels, even without removing the mechanism, we can make strides toward Freedom.

Right/Left Brain and the Language of Emotion. Small children/babies, are incapable of using their left brain to describe things yet. They are almost wholly developing their right brains. The stares into your eyes are their attempt to establish connection. That "experience" is totally right brained. As they develop, they learn language "ouch" "sting" to describe the experiences they have. The left brain develops and ideally adds to the overall experience by the gift of language. However, as we develop we often over develop the left brain to the point that we then retreat into the left brain; being able to describe experiences we are not having. Thus: "I understand and agree (left brain) that God loves me, but I don't believe/feel (right brain) in my heart that He loves me."

Why did Jesus teach in Parables? So that seeing they wouldn't see and hearing they wouldn't hear.... in other words... so that they would not learn something with their left brain that they haven't LEARNED (experienced) with their heart (right brain). He was trying to bring them an experience not a new set of thoughts.

Open an emotional conduit - Spock is a bad idol, cast that idol down. I've lived a life believing I had MORE emotions than other humans (like Spock/Vulcans) and needed to turn down the volume through drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, or whatever other thing I could use... blogging.... But what if I don't have more emotions than others, I just have them backed up (I haven't emotionally peed in years). There's so many emotions because I'm not expressing/experiencing them, creating back pressure. By living in the left brain, I'm describing things I'm not experiencing, but I'm also lacking the language of emotions (right brain language). Without that language I lack the conduit through which to fully experience. And if I have an experience I cannot describe, I discount it and push it down. It's like I have a fire hydrant's worth of emotion trying to squeeze through a conduit the size of a straw. By widening the conduit (through developing language around emotion and allowing the experience, not stopping it), the flow will increase but the pressure from the back up will eventually lessen. Eventually, I could reach a place where they flow freely and the pressure behind them will be missing. The conduit can be increased like any muscle in the body. However, until I develop that right brain language, I may have experiences I cannot describe. Dr. Bob will work with me to develop that language, but I may find myself having experiences I cannot describe or understand, just let it be.... let it happen...

Establishing real connections with others, instead of the counterfeits I've been trying to use. That means opening up, and telling trusted others what you need from them; in bite size pieces if need be. This will be scary, but I need to start to consider what this could mean for me, logistically. How I can start to establish the connections to get my legitimate needs met legitimately, instead of through counterfeits? If I've lived a life deaf to emotions, I will need to find these connections in new ways... and take them in smaller pieces so as not to overwhelm.

On that note... I'm going to go experience this song... then either head home or... yeah I should head home. I can finish reading there. :)

So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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Foundations of Freedom 1/5 | A Kingdom Parable

Re-Listening to Dr. Bob Hamp's Foundations of Freedom courses. Starting over at lesson 1/5, A Kingdom Parable. These are my notes from this go-around:

What are you seeking?

What you seek first, organizes everything else in your life? Jesus said it this way, seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these other things will be added to you.

• If I seek first freedom from pain, pain will be in control of my life.
• If I seek first freedom from poverty, poverty will be in control of my life.
• If I seek first freedom from addiction, addiction will be in control of my life.
• Are you seeking freedom FROM xxx (pain, addiction, hurts, behaviors...)?

When you seek first the Kingdom of God, then the Kingdom has power over your life to deal with the things you need to deal with.

Don't adjust the machine, until you've plugged it in. It needs a power source before you can adjust the settings.

Seeking first the KOG is about plugging into the power source.

How do we think about the things we think about?

*3:40

How you perceive the world around you, and what you do with what you perceive.

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. Not WHAT a man thinks in his heart, but AS a man thinks in his heart. The way that we think, is the way we are.

Three levels of thinking differently

1. Bad Definitions - *5:40 We were made for Freedom. Our soul pushes toward it.
• If our definition of Freedom is wrong, we'll labor for the wrong version of Freedom.
• If our definition of marriage is wrong, we'll labor toward the wrong version of marriage.
• The truth that sets people free is not having our facts and doctrine right.
2. ?? - Didn't catch points 2 or 3
3. ?? - Didn't catch points 2 or 3

We have a definition of freedom that is inaccurate, as the absence of something. If a prisoner thinks of freedom as the absence of bars, he's mistaken... because the bars got there for a reason.

If we think of freedom as the absence of something, we're already stuck. We don't define absence as the freedom of something, but the presence of someone.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. However far you allow the Lord in, your freedom increases. He'll go as deep as you let him.

It's now what you know, it's how you know it.

We're not looking to replace one thought for another, we're looking to replace the way you think.

Freedom is not when we have our facts or doctrine right, it's when we have our facts from the perspective of God himself.

Have you noticed that when God shows you something, it didn't change the circumstances, it changed you, and your perspective?

God always gives us what we need, but not always what we think we want. Often times our problem is that we don't see what we need and want from his perspective.

Kingdom Parable - The Parable of the Acrobat *5:30

The kingdom of heaven is like an acrobat that fell off a wagon. A long time ago there was a troupe of acrobats, who was so phenomenal that they seemed to defy gravity itself. In this troupe of the greatest acrobats, there were the two acrobats greater than the rest, a man and woman. They fell in love, married, and had a child.

The troupe and parents began to think about the genetics of this child, and what he would be capable.

As they traveled, somewhere in the night, the baby fell out of the wagon... but no one noticed. The next morning, the mother reaches back to find touch him and finds him missing. She panics, the troupe panics, and they go back to find him. But after much searching, they cannot find him. Fear. Dread. Anxiety. Nothing, they cannot find him. They eventually had to move on, in great sadness.

They did not know that a farmer and his wife were traveling behind on the road. They were far enough behind they did not know about the wagon train. They were close enough to find the baby before wolves or bears found him.

Then fear set in the woman's heart, because she had given up hope of ever having a child. The farmer became a hard man, he would till the ground, do his duty, and that was all he needed to do. The woman would do her duty, but the home was cold. She filled with fear and anxiety, and he filled with anger and bitterness.

They couldn't find the parents of this child, so they took him home. The mother is fearful, trying to make the best of it. The father is frustrated, but accepts the child, or her need for the child. He's not happy to have the child.

• At the point the child fell from the wagon, was still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the trauma of his birth circumstances.

• When the farmer's wife lays him down in the farm house, is he still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the trauma of his birth circumstances.

The child becomes a toddler, his heart burns to climb to the heights of the furniture or curtains, he is fulfilling his DNA. But the mother is filled with uncertainty and fear. By age two he learns that if he lives out who he is, his mother pays a price. The father wanting to counter act his wife's fear, he gets angry at the child. He is now caught between the mother's fear and father anger.

As he grows he finds new ways to defy gravity, but gets wiser about when/where he tries it.

One day, he has found a way to counter balance and climb to the highest point in the house, the refrigerator. Just then, the mother and father both walk in. Mother in fear, snatches him down. Father in angry response to her fear, swats him. At the crescendo of their emotions, something happens in his little heart.

"I cannot be me, it's too high of a price."

• At that moment, was he still an acrobat?
• Yes. Why? Because his DNA and Birthright determine who he is, not the turnings of his heart, or leanings of his soul.

At ten, the farmer father takes him out to the field. His heart leaps at the new heights, trees, ropes from the barn, etc. The father redirects his eyes to the ground, "we've got work to do". The farmer also shows pride as he does good work.

He learns that he can not only avoid pain by not being who he is, but reward by being a different version of himself.

One day, he was distracted by the sights of things he could be climbing, his foot gets caught in a whole and he twists his knee. The farmer yells, "what's wrong boy?!", and he tries to pretend his isn't injured.

Over the years, he gets older. He meets other kids, but the frustration expresses itself through his muscles in fights. He gets a reputation of being a violent young man.

He's down at the feed store one day is a poster of an acrobat troupe. Something long forgotten leaps up within him, and he heads home to start the campaign to go see the acrobats. He wins the campaign, and they go.

Afterward, he's interviewing the acrobats, asking questions. The farmer and his wife stand to the side. They notice an older couple their age, dressed like acrobats, but they didn't see them perform. They strike up a conversation.... and over the course of the conversation, they each discover the boy belongs to this older acrobat couple.

As he comes back to the two couples, he finds out who he is the first time. All the struggles he's had all his life starts to take on whole new meaning. He's looking at the same things, but he's seeing them all with new eyes.

Then it dawns on him, what had already dawned on the adults. He has a choice. He could go home and stay a farmer. Or he could go and pack and go with the acrobats. He realizes there is something about the acrobats that resonates in him as true.

Jesus came to his own creation, but why? Did he come to educate, inform, correct? He came to his Father's sons and daughters, and to tell them they were not who they thought they were. I came that you might have LIFE, Your Life Abundantly. The LIFE he gave us in the beginning.

So what happened next? *41:23

He decides to go with them, and he's now lived with them a year, but he stinks at being an acrobat. He'd spent 17 years learning to farm, and kill his insides. He's starting to think he's not an acrobat after all. He doesn't know how to be like these other's who know how.

Maybe I'm a farmer after all. Maybe I should just go back to the farm.

Meanwhile, the other acrobat kids grew up in the shadow of the legend of the lost greatest acrobat. They want to see him fail, and they tease him.

The father kept looking him in the eyes, telling him he loved him, and saying "if you fall, just get back up, no problem".

Eventually, he found that he could hide and escape at the historians tent. He would go there and read. He discovers who his family is.

Eventually, his mother treats his ankle, it's painful to move in those ways, but he is eventually healed from it. But once the pain/limp is gone, his excuse to not produce is gone.

The stories in the historian's tent continued to entertain and distract until one day, he found himself in the story. The child of promise.

One day he over hears the parents talking. The parents were so glad to have him home, they don't care if he ever swings a trapeze. Their just glad to have him back/restored to them.

The acrobat child cannot believe they love him so much. He runs in and asks, how can you love me when I can't do what you want me to do? Why do you always send me to practice if you don't need me to be that?

"Son, I don't send you to practice for me. I send you for you, so you can be what you are. I love you if you ever perform or not."

He sees himself in his father's love for the first time. It makes him dizzy, confused... he wonders to the practice tent.

For the first time since he was two years old, the feeling in his chest explodes in him. He goes inside the tent, everyone else is gone. He's not working or striving, he not working to learn what he should know, he just starts to play and have fun. He is just being who he is.

A few months later, a crowd in watching as he is capable of greatness never before seen - because he learned to play and express who he is, instead of what he thinks he should be learning to do.

******************************************

What hurts did you experience in life, and what lies did you believe as a result? What relationships or circumstances were you involved in that caused you to suppress your heart and true self, and what lies did you believe?

• Deaconess: Set a better example for the other (older) boys!
• Lie: I learned that I have to do the right thing, be responsible, even when nobody else does, even when I'm the younger one or under authority. I have to set the example for my under-reports, peers, AND, bosses. I always do the right thing, expected thing, publically.
• I'm the oldest, Devin (middle) is my middle brother. He was a screw up who didn't try to live right or do right, I was always the responsible one. We were three years apart. We were at McDonald's on vacation and walked up to a counter, he gets offered free stuff by the lady at the counter, while I (standing there with him) have to pay full price.
• Lie: It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, I will always pay full price, always have to work for my share.
• Starting very young, I learned that girls would pay attention to me and make me feel good physically and emotionally.
• Lie: I would seek women's attention and approval, and reject any that didn't give it, or gave it but I didn't believe them. It became a need. They needed to validate me, constantly to keep up. When they eventually tired of the constant need to reassure my fragile self, they'd eventually reject me. Or, if I felt I wasn't do well in their presence, that I couldn't get that validation from them, I'd reject them. Or, if I got that validation, but didn't believe or trust it, I'd reject them.
• Event(s) - Unknown: I learned that I'm not OK. There is something wrong with me, and I don't know what it is. I can't place it. I'm an outcast, odd, not normal. Maybe it was the spiritual visions and dreams, maybe my "nerd" side, but I always felt like a round peg in a square hole.
• Lie: You are NOT OK, be what they need you to be, but don't be you.

Darrell W.

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Provider My Ass...Part Two God's Answer

Friday Night / Sat Morning

Dear God,

I find myself silent tonight. Not without words, for you made me a writer. I am without argument. The anger I tried to drum up an hour ago, was gone. It's missing.

Inside, stillness. Weird stillness. Like you silenced the enemy, and you silenced yourself, and I was left alone with my thoughts and only my thoughts for the first time in a long time. 

For future me's sake, and those who may stumble across this post, let me tell you what happened tonight minus details that belong to others.

A friend stopped me in the middle of a conversation we were having and said to me and said he felt led to give me "this", and handed me a folded green amount of money. I took it, shook his hand, and thanked him. Surprised, and honored, and knowing in my heart that despite the fact I don't deserve it because I've been a total ass to God and my family... Jesus blood paid for all that and he was trying to love on me. 

We kept talking, and I told him a few of the things that had been on my heart to tell him, but I knew I needed to wait until after the meeting to do it. 

Further into the conversation, he said he had a different number, but he thought i'd be offended (as we men tend to hate accepting help) and handed me a crisp $100.00. I later checked, and the folded money was actually $40.00.

Few people even know this blog exists, so he didn't know about the post I just wrote this past Monday, October 31, 2016, titled Provider My Ass..

My friend told me later in the conversation (and I paraphrase), that I was going to be like a grace-version of Pharaoh. God did miracle after miracle in his presence, to the point that all of your arguments and rationalizations are destroyed, and you have to know He is God. 

Even if you harden your heart, it keeps coming. 

No matter how hard you try to be, he's going to shower so much love on you, like the Egyptian miracles, that you'll have no argument left.

Between the men I've submitted to... and my Psychologist I just started going to... I have a feeling I'm in store for a total transformation. I don't know what the guy on the other side of that looks like. I don't know if he can restore his marriage, relationship with his children, or day-to-day sanity. I don't know if that guy is sober or not. 

I don't know what the transformation will be... but I believe it will be profound.

Come to think of it... the miracles were for Moses as much as Pharaoh. Moses' heart needed convincing too. He was a reluctant leader, and the burning bush got him moving, but not convinced. By the time Moses left Egypt, He was convinced and obedient. 

God told me a long time ago I would have a Moses and Joshua blend style ministry. I would have to lead them out, and lead them in... so the analogy my friend used was deeply personal for me, even though he didn't know that because I'd never talked about that with him.

I sit here with $140.00, which is what I needed to really prepare for a part-time job thing I want to do. As usual... God shows up and blows my mind.

This doesn't mean I'm less hurt, frustrated, confused, and my desires that run counter to the things I "know" are "right" haven't done away. But a certain intensity is missing... Hm....
So, broken or whole, "right or wrong", that's what I'm thinking about today,

Darrell W.

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