Reflecting on the end of 2019...

Profound Sadness and Profound Gratitude... That's my sentiment as this week comes to a close. 

This probably isn't my ultimate reflection post, but this is what I'm thinking about today...

Photo: DarrellWolfe, Front Yard, My View This Morning 12/19/2019

Tomorrow is the last day of school for 2019 in North Idaho. My boys are excited for school parties, something I never thought would happen. They've done so well. They've excelled, pushed beyond challenges, accomplished recognition, even faced down bullies and came out the clear dignified winner of the engagement.

I accomplished things when I stop to think about it. I bought a house, kept up with the payment (barely), still managed to do fun things with the boys. Researched. Read. Enrolled in a new college. Met with advisors for my new degree. I survived a bad break-up with a former friend. I learned to thrive on my own without codependantly needing someone while simultaneously building community.

I survived bouts of sadness, as each milestone was a painful reminder that the boy's mom isn't here to celebrate it with them... and I'm doing it alone. I have friends but no life partner. It's a sour realization. Bittersweet. She sowed the seeds that gave all three of us the emotional and mental skills to thrive in this season and she's not here to see it. Well, she might be seeing it, but she isn't with us to join in the celebrations... or the tears, and there were many of both.

My best moments were those where I remembered to put the phone facedown next to me and look the boys in the eye when they wanted to tell me about their day or school events.

The moments where I looked at her picture and smiled because she'd be so proud of them.

The moments where the oldest told me how he skillfully and humorously dealt with bullies in a way that dignified himself and honored his teachers.

The moments where the youngest volunteered to go above and beyond and join the band.

The moment when the youngest laid next to me and cried because he was finally willing to stop for a moment and grieve.

The moment when I realized I never needed to tell the oldest to do anything twice, he just helps. I need to make 2020 special for him.

I made good friends this year. I made healthy decisions. I made some tough decisions that were ultimately good and healthy. Some of my friends helped me make those. Some of my friends walked through them with me. One of my friends were directly affected by some of those decisions this past month or so.

I got to sit in a theater watching Mr. Rogers with my best friend and there were no other people in the room. We literally got the whole theater to ourselves. Amazing experience! Many tears, possibly the best movie of our generation.

I walked several friends through grieving their former spouses, and two of them through fining potential Chapter Twos.

I got into counseling and stuck with it and didn't run away. I'm still sticking with it, and I'm growing weekly as she pushes me to face the stuff I would rather lie to myself about... but I can't lie to myself. Her job is to make me face the truth. Why? Because NO HIDING is my commitment.

It was not all success, I could nitpick every failure. How I could have been a better communicator and maybe I would still have that friend. How I could have been more present with the boys, especially in the months leading up to the year anniversary. I could have invested more time with my extended family, even from afar. Many mistakes. But those are under the blood, so I'm paying attention to the good stuff.

And all of it, ALL of it, would have been different, and far less successful, without taking the journey to NO HIDING in 2016-2017. If it weren't for the grace of God, I'd have had a very different and much more destructive 2019. It was my commitment to NO HIDING when things got really tough, that kept me coming to others for help and allowed me to process through to the other side.

So as I look ahead to Christmas next week, then on to 2020... I have hope.

2019 was a year of Cultivation.

2020 is the year of Planting.

Who knows... maybe my next life partner is out there looking ahead and wondering if we'll meet this coming year. I'm actually less afraid that she won't show up in 2020 and more afraid that she will! Had to work through that one in counseling... if the real-deal shows up... I'll have to risk again... am I ready for that? No. But if God starts it... I'll follow his lead. I'm not too worried about it. I've learned to be still and know God. Be Still. Be Lead. One big change will come in 2020 that wasn't true in 2019, I won't be rushing. Slow. Steady. Listening. Following His Lead. That's the theme of 2020.

Whatever 2020 holds, I hope it brings seasons of fresh growth and that it yields exciting surprises.

God Bless. Shalom.

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Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ