*This post is a little closer to home than usual... but I promised transparency. I hope you get something out of it. This came from my meditations this evening on Psalms 4.
Lately... Oh the past 30-35 years... I've been irritated at God.
Why you ask? Being born.
It sounds odd at first, coming from someone who is pursing LIFE. But my bent, my default if you will, during times of idleness or pause, is to be mad at God. Ever since my earliest days as a child I wanted to leave earth for my home in heaven. I could not understand why we must stay on this rotten planet.
I often find myself remembering a scene from one of my favorite movies:
Tombstone (1993) IMDB:
Wyatt Earp: What makes a man like Ringo, Doc? ..makes him do the things he does?
Doc Holliday: A man like Ringo has got a great empty hole, right through the middle of him. He can never kill enough, or steal enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.
Wyatt Earp: What does he need?
Doc Holliday: Revenge.
Wyatt Earp: For what?
Doc Holliday: Bein' born.
I feel like Doc Holliday sometimes, in that I know Ringo well because a part of me (however small) is Ringo. I've simply chosen to put that "old man" to death in Jesus. Nevertheless, the old man whispers to me from time to time, especially when I'm tired and worn out.
I may not have killed anyone, or stolen anything... but I've inflicted pain. We all have, as sinners in a broken world. We inflict pain on the ones closest to us, as we operate out of self-defensive postures and broken sinful natures.
My past (especially the one from before I rededicated my life to Jesus in 2002) is riddled with broken hearts, broken promises, and burned bridges.
Without Jesus... I'm just a less violent Ringo...
We all, as sinners cause pain in the life's of others.
Hurt people, hurt people.
But even though I put that old man to death, and I live a new life in Christ Jesus, I still find myself angry at God.
Why?
For being born.
Why?
For the record: No... I'm not suicidal.
I'm not looking for ways cause my own death. I'm just irritated that I have to stay. Kind of wish He'd come back already and take us home!
This life is TOUGH sometimes...
- There are my own emotions to process.
- Other peoples emotions to process.
- The older you get the more responsibilities you get. There's a mortgage, car note, lawn to mow...
- ...and just when you are caught up, something else breaks or needs your attention.
Frankly... I'm not finding a lot to stay here for most days. I felt that way as a young child, and never stopped feeling that way. There are moments, seasons, where I am so engaged in one thing or another that I forget... but in idle moments it comes back.
Why should I have to stay here, when I know there is something better on the other side? Why must I put up with this crazy stupid world?
*(Notice the amount of focus on "Me", "Myself", and "I" in those statements, we'll address that in a moment.)
It's one thing for someone to do something that makes you feel angry. That's easy enough to forgive and move on from.
But what about if you are angry at God?
Which brings me to Psalms 4: The answer to being angry at God
Psalms 4
1Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in distress. Be gracious to me and hear my prayer! 2O men,a how long shall my honor be turned into shame? How long will you love vain words and seek after lies?
Selah
3But know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD hears when I call to him.
4Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.
Selah
5Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the LORD.
6There are many who say, “Who will show us some good? Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!”
7You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. 8In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
As I've been pondering Psalms 4 tonight, here are my take aways.
- Jesus is my Righteousness.
- He has delivered me from times of confusion and distress countless times, more often than I even recognize.
- It's when I forget this, that I allow the enemy to confuse my mind and emotions.
- I was set apart through Grace, and through Grace He hears me. Every time.
- There is no room for doubt on this point.
- I can never feel as though my prayers hit the wall or ceiling and fell deaf.
- My Father ALWAYS hears me!!!!!!!
- I was set apart for His purposes.
- Depression only works when you are focused on self. Hence the "I" statements earlier.
- The moment you realize, accept, AND engage with the idea that God has a purpose and a plan for your life, depression cannot operate.
- The more deeply you are focused on others, the less you have time, room, or mental real estate for self.
- In reverse, the more focused you are on self, the less you are spending your mental real estate on others.
- "Others" and "Self" are mutually exclusive propositions.
- HOW can I be angry without sinning? How can I be angry at God, without sinning?
- First: He knows. He can handle it.
- He's God... kind of in the job description.
- He's LOVE personified. He doesn't care that you are angry at Him. He wants to talk to you about it so you can move past it.
- You're not God. You can't fix what is broken inside of you. You can't make it right inside of you. Only he can.
- Like in A.A., admit you are powerless to change, and that will begin the process of letting Him enact the change.
You can and must participate in the change, but you cannot change yourself.
- Next: Tell Him.
- There's no point in trying to ignore the feeling, or pretend it's not there.
- He knows.
- Get is out, let him know how you feel.
- Ask: What lie am I believing right now?
- Any feeling that didn't come from Him is a result of a lie (however subconscious) you are believing.
- Click (here) for a refresher on Strong Hold Cycles, and lies.
- Be Still - Meditate
- Once you admit to God you've been angry at him, and you've asked him about the lies...
- Be Still and Meditate.
- Meditate means to speak to yourself softly, repeat, murmur, pray... continuing to keep your focus on Him.
- It's more about listening and receiving, than speaking and putting information out. Most modern prayer consists of the prayer doing 90-100% of the talking. True biblical meditation would be the opposite. Letting GOD do 90-100% of the talking, you just be still, listen for his voice.
- He may speak words, phrases, sentences... or he may speak in dreams, images, visions, ideas, seeing one thing and another, then seeing how they connect.
- Just as a Zip File is a quick download that must be unpacked... the meditation downloads from HolySpirit often come quickly, but need time to unpack in the hearer.
- This is the key to being angry and sinning not... Let him work it out.
- HOW can I learn to trust God?
- Same way... the result of this type of being still, and meditating is a developing trust in God.
- Once you begin to hear, you choose to trust it. As your hearing turns into instructions, you choose to obey it.
- As your hearing gets clearer, and your obeying gets more intuitive... the result is a trust in God.
- Result: Joy and Peace
- This process will lead to Joy and Peace.
- Conversely, if you are lacking Joy and/or Peace, this is a sure sign you haven't been spending time Being Still and Meditating.
- Red Light: Let this be a dashboard indicator for your life.
- Lack of Joy/Peace = Lack of Meditation/Being Still
- Warning: You will experience resistance.
- There is a strong probability that you will start this meditation and get discouraged because you don't hear right away... or distracted so you get up to write a blog post...
- This is because you have a real enemy who hates you, and doesn't want you to get close to God.
- If at first you don't succeed... try, try, again.
- This is about process, not destinations or check lists.
- You don't develop a friendship, work collaboration, or romantic relationship in a single meeting. You might have the seed of one planted during a mere five minute meeting, but it will not blossom and grow without continual meetings to follow.
So it is with God... You will gain more from a five minute meeting every day, than a 35 minute meeting once a week.
Your turn to share:
What did you hear from God today, while reading Psalms 4 and/or this post?
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