What can you do, to not allow yourself to fall "in love" too-far too-fast? There is an answer.

You CAN prevent yourself from "falling" for someone. It's within your power. In fact, you will if you want to be happy and healthy.

Every so often... I see a question that needs to be written about. In this case, maybe a book written about it. This is one of those. I've removed all private details, and boiled it down to the very question, word for word, I asked my Counselor in July 2019, in order to understand how I'd allowed myself to get so hurt so badly from someone I barely knew. 

Question:

How can you slow down the speed and momentum of the relationship? 

What can you do, to not allow yourself to fall "in love" too-far too-fast?

Can you help "falling in love"? Isn't that beyond your control? After all, the heart will do what the heart will do?

Answer:

Intimacy, Connection, and feeling "in love" is not accidental or without cause. 

You don't "fall" in love. You walk into it, one mini-action at a time. 

Dr Henry Cloud wrote about this in one of his dating books, I read two of his. 

*How to get a date worth keeping. Affiliate

*Boundaries in dating. Affiliate

When you text all day, everyday, spend hours on the phone, ramp up physical connection through kissing, touch, or more, and send messages like "Hey, just thinking about you"... 

Each of these actions builds connection.

In and of themselves, that's wonderful. If they're appropriate for the stage of relationship. If you've built something over time and it's appropriate. 

Six weeks, not so much. 

Six months, probably. 

Married six years, you'd better be doing these! 

Side Note: This works when used on purpose too! If you're already married, doing these intentionally will help build and maintain the "in love" factor long into your elderly years.

However, early in a relationship, if you're loosing yourself, ignoring other priorities, or feeling it's going "too fast"... Then these are red flags. 

Stop or slow down the activities that built the sudden ramp-up of connection. Set a boundary on your time and emotional health.

Since this would be a change, if you didn't do this from the beginning, the other person deserves to know something is changing.

Good boundary statements focus on your needs and not the other person's side.

Keep it to 'I need' statements. Use your own words but consider something like the following:

"I want you to know I REALLY like you. I am also afraid I'm loosing myself in this and I need to protect my heart and yours. So I need to slow down. As such, I won't be texting all day every day, or spending all my time on the phone with you. I have other priorities that are going unfinished because I've been so excited. If you'll stick with me, I'd like to build something, just slower. That also means, I won't be kissing you again for a little while, just until I feel we've really reached the level of commitment that makes my heart safe."

Followed by:

"I want you to hear my heart. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Tell me how your feeling about that?"

Okay. Now let's break that down:

Affirm the relationship: I want you to know I REALLY like you. 

Set up the concern: I am also afraid I'm loosing myself in this and I need to protect my heart and yours. So I need to slow down. 

Set the Boundary: As such, I won't be (insert whatever behavior needs to change) texting all day every day, or spending all my time on the phone with you. I have other priorities that are going unfinished because I've been so excited (there's more affirmation baked in).

Reaffirm the relationship: If you'll stick with me, I'd like to build something, just slower. 

Reaffirm the boundary: That also means, I won't be kissing you again for a little while, just until I feel we've really reached the level of commitment that makes my heart safe.

Check for understanding: I want you to hear my heart. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Check for any misunderstanding or hurt: Tell me how your feeling about that? 

Something like that. These are just guidelines. Not exact statement rules. Just to give you ideas.

Possible outcomes and what they mean:

* If you receive total understanding and compliance, you've got a great person! Very healthy.

* If you receive hurt or confusion from their side, that's emotionally immature but normal. Maybe both commit to read some books on Boundaries together instead of whatever you were doing.

* If you receive anything strongly negative, anger, frustration, passive aggressiveness, lashing out, begging, etc.... You have a seriously Boundary Injured individual (I should know. I was such an individual until I got healing. I've also dated a few).

If you have this third reaction, that's still not an automatic termination of relationship, but, it's a STRONG red flag. Insist on reading books on Boundaries together, Podcasts, classes, get a counselor if you really feel the relational is worth fighting for. But do not take any further steps to commitment until this behavior is firmly behind you. If you were ring shopping, stop. If you are engaged, postpone. If you already sent out invitations to the wedding (you are probably beyond this post if that's true, but, if you feel this applies), send out postponement letters.

Get a team! Before, During, and After.

Get friends involved: Also, have a friend (or five) you can report everything to on a regular basis. People who know you well. People who will call you out when you're not being yourself or being authentic or being the best you.

Professional assistance: I think everyone on Earth should have a qualified licensed mental health counselor they see regularly. At least as regularly it more as they would a primary care physician or dentist. A good pastor or mentor or elder brother or sister (who is qualified to coach or counsel) is a good idea too. Qualified doesn't mean licensed. It just means that they demonstrate the maturity and capacity and emotional health to coach you. They should exhibit a lifestyle and brand of living you want to have in your life. If you have a power hungry leader, as I've had a few times, these do not make good coaches. They're more likely to hurt you then help. 

CAUTION: Not all pastor's, coaches, or even licensed counselors are created equal, do your due diligence to vet out the options until you find someone that can really help you. This will be someone with a shared worldview, or a worldview you admire, who you trust and who shows the capacity to emphasize, build your confidence, but still challenge your thinking.

There's probably more I could add. I'm sure I will in another post. But that's enough to chew on for now.

Live long and prosper! Shalom!

#Selah

Darrell