Cognitive dissonance... Do you believe yourself?

Do you believe yourself?

Judas protested the breaking of expensive perfume to wash Jesus's feet, by a grateful woman who Jesus had not only saved but he'd brought her brother back from the dead. 

Judas's spoken "reason" for this protest was to give the money to the poor.

Judas's actual reason was because he was stealing money from the money bag and wanted that huge payday. 

How many people cry loudly for the government to swoop in and care for the "poor" but do nothing for them directly? What's the real motive? To feel like they're righteous because they're on the "right side of history"?

How many times to I say something is harmful, like Pornography, then go do it myself hours later with excuses about just one more time?

We all have strange motives. They're not simple. Both could be true. But are we living a consistent, congruent, life? 

Are the things we say to others, just as real to us at home, in bed, as we ponder the day drifting off to sleep?

What if we made more congruent choices in both words and actions?

Thou doth protest too much!

#Selah

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Your blessing may not be what you expected...

The Pharisees were afraid that if Jesus kept increasing his ministry they would (a) lose power and (b) the Roman government would come and destroy the city to out down the rebellion. 

Mine you, these are the same people hoping a Messiah would come and free them from Roman oppression. 

But this man didn't look like what they expected. They expected a great military leader, like King David, who could slay giants. Not a healer. 

So they did what fear always does, attempt to kill the thing they're afraid of. 

How many gifts from God come in packages that don't look like what we expected? Do we accept them or reject them? Do we attempt to terminate the blessing he's trying to bring because it doesn't look right?

#Selah

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Soul Mates don't exist... Thank God!

Question: This one comes in shades... 

What if I never find my Soul Mate?

What if I had my Soul Mate and they died (or left)? Can I have two Soul Mates?

What if I had my chance with my Soul Mate and I blew it, and now they're gone?

How do I find my Soul Mate?

Answer: Soul Mates are not discovered, they are created. And you can have more than one in a lifetime. 

I don't believe in "soul mates", in the traditional sense. It implies that if you meet the right person everything will be sunshine and roses. It also implies that if you marry someone and it turns into hell on earth that you "married the wrong one". 

Both of those ideas are antithetical to reality. You can marry the perfect match for you and still have issues that build on each other until they become a massive implosion (I know because I did it). If you have massive issues, it's often not because you married the wrong person but because one or both of you failed to put in the work of creating a good marriage. 

Marriage requires study, skill, perseverance, and the strength to do the right thing when it's inconvenient. It takes more training and purposeful effort than any career ever will. 

To be clear: You CAN absolutely marry the wrong person too. If you start with poor raw material, you will have an imperfect result. If you start with someone who is and was unwilling to grow, mature, develop, and work on self-care to become their best, then your marriage will have a broken leg from day one. If that's the case, you may have to get a lot of additional help to set boundaries until you two either (1) grow together, (2) find a status quo that works, or (3) you go separate ways. 

But that scenario less likely than what usually happens. Usually, two good humans who care for each other fail to do the work to become one. Hurt and insecurity blend until both act poorly toward the other. 

• BUILDING A Marriage: I believe that two people decide to build something. 

Even if God himself tells you to marry someone, it's no guarantee that you're "soul mates" status means anything.

God literally told me to marry my late-wife, Flavia. Even with that direct command, we had a struggling marriage for much of it because we didn't know how to build a good one. Eventually, we learned how, we had some amazing times too, then she passed.

After she passed away, I was praying about how it all went so wrong. How did God tell me to marry her, and things still didn't go well for many years?

He said: "I did not tell you to marry her. I told you she was your wife". 

As I prayed about that Word, I had an epiphany. That word "...she is your wife", was not the be-all and end-all of the matter. It was my seed. Just as you are not given a harvest of Pumpkins to sell at the market with a single Pumpkin seed, I was not given an entire marriage with that Word. I was given a seed. 

Do something with the seed!

Our job, then, was to take that seed and use it. Cultivate the soil, remove rocks, add nutrients. Plant the seed. Get a harvest. Plant more seeds. Grow this into a fully functioning Pumpkin Patch. Learn how to do it, get books, go to seminars, get help from people who have done it right. 

So what about the next round? Now that I've lost the woman I was told to marry, can I marry again? 

Just as I built something amazing with her when I learned how I will build something amazing with my next wife.

You chose to build it together. 

Destiny gives you a seed.

You either tend the garden or let the weeds overtake everything. 

"He who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing."

It's my job to keep my eyes open, initiate contact when opportunities arise, and be an active participant in finding her. 

It's God's job to bring her within my field of vision when the time is right and I've learned the lessons and reached a place in life where meeting her would be appropriate. 

I can't control when I'll meet the next woman to plant that seed. But I can make opportunities to meet her, and I can tend the garden with her when she arrives. Together, we can build a marriage... and become Soul Mates. 

#Selah

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Look for possibility, opportunity, and influence today.

Said this to a friend today and it's worth saying again!

I guess we'll see what happens in the rest of this crazy year. We're only to April 3. So much has already happened. I think great things are coming too.

Innovation. 

Rekindling the desire (throughout the world) for real human contact. 

Apps like Meet-Up will explode when things return to normal. 

Things will start moving again.

When the dust settles, jobs will come back, people will spend, but some will be added to the widow ranks. Some people will start new careers, forced out of work. Some people will be worse for the wear but many will see gains. 

When the dust settles, some in denial will see if was way bigger than they realized. 

But many will see opportunity.

There will be negative and positive fallout. 

We just have to look for the positive, the opportunity, the possible. 

#Selah

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What can you do, to not allow yourself to fall "in love" too-far too-fast? There is an answer.

You CAN prevent yourself from "falling" for someone. It's within your power. In fact, you will if you want to be happy and healthy.

Every so often... I see a question that needs to be written about. In this case, maybe a book written about it. This is one of those. I've removed all private details, and boiled it down to the very question, word for word, I asked my Counselor in July 2019, in order to understand how I'd allowed myself to get so hurt so badly from someone I barely knew. 

Question:

How can you slow down the speed and momentum of the relationship? 

What can you do, to not allow yourself to fall "in love" too-far too-fast?

Can you help "falling in love"? Isn't that beyond your control? After all, the heart will do what the heart will do?

Answer:

Intimacy, Connection, and feeling "in love" is not accidental or without cause. 

You don't "fall" in love. You walk into it, one mini-action at a time. 

Dr Henry Cloud wrote about this in one of his dating books, I read two of his. 

*How to get a date worth keeping. Affiliate

*Boundaries in dating. Affiliate

When you text all day, everyday, spend hours on the phone, ramp up physical connection through kissing, touch, or more, and send messages like "Hey, just thinking about you"... 

Each of these actions builds connection.

In and of themselves, that's wonderful. If they're appropriate for the stage of relationship. If you've built something over time and it's appropriate. 

Six weeks, not so much. 

Six months, probably. 

Married six years, you'd better be doing these! 

Side Note: This works when used on purpose too! If you're already married, doing these intentionally will help build and maintain the "in love" factor long into your elderly years.

However, early in a relationship, if you're loosing yourself, ignoring other priorities, or feeling it's going "too fast"... Then these are red flags. 

Stop or slow down the activities that built the sudden ramp-up of connection. Set a boundary on your time and emotional health.

Since this would be a change, if you didn't do this from the beginning, the other person deserves to know something is changing.

Good boundary statements focus on your needs and not the other person's side.

Keep it to 'I need' statements. Use your own words but consider something like the following:

"I want you to know I REALLY like you. I am also afraid I'm loosing myself in this and I need to protect my heart and yours. So I need to slow down. As such, I won't be texting all day every day, or spending all my time on the phone with you. I have other priorities that are going unfinished because I've been so excited. If you'll stick with me, I'd like to build something, just slower. That also means, I won't be kissing you again for a little while, just until I feel we've really reached the level of commitment that makes my heart safe."

Followed by:

"I want you to hear my heart. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Tell me how your feeling about that?"

Okay. Now let's break that down:

Affirm the relationship: I want you to know I REALLY like you. 

Set up the concern: I am also afraid I'm loosing myself in this and I need to protect my heart and yours. So I need to slow down. 

Set the Boundary: As such, I won't be (insert whatever behavior needs to change) texting all day every day, or spending all my time on the phone with you. I have other priorities that are going unfinished because I've been so excited (there's more affirmation baked in).

Reaffirm the relationship: If you'll stick with me, I'd like to build something, just slower. 

Reaffirm the boundary: That also means, I won't be kissing you again for a little while, just until I feel we've really reached the level of commitment that makes my heart safe.

Check for understanding: I want you to hear my heart. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Check for any misunderstanding or hurt: Tell me how your feeling about that? 

Something like that. These are just guidelines. Not exact statement rules. Just to give you ideas.

Possible outcomes and what they mean:

* If you receive total understanding and compliance, you've got a great person! Very healthy.

* If you receive hurt or confusion from their side, that's emotionally immature but normal. Maybe both commit to read some books on Boundaries together instead of whatever you were doing.

* If you receive anything strongly negative, anger, frustration, passive aggressiveness, lashing out, begging, etc.... You have a seriously Boundary Injured individual (I should know. I was such an individual until I got healing. I've also dated a few).

If you have this third reaction, that's still not an automatic termination of relationship, but, it's a STRONG red flag. Insist on reading books on Boundaries together, Podcasts, classes, get a counselor if you really feel the relational is worth fighting for. But do not take any further steps to commitment until this behavior is firmly behind you. If you were ring shopping, stop. If you are engaged, postpone. If you already sent out invitations to the wedding (you are probably beyond this post if that's true, but, if you feel this applies), send out postponement letters.

Get a team! Before, During, and After.

Get friends involved: Also, have a friend (or five) you can report everything to on a regular basis. People who know you well. People who will call you out when you're not being yourself or being authentic or being the best you.

Professional assistance: I think everyone on Earth should have a qualified licensed mental health counselor they see regularly. At least as regularly it more as they would a primary care physician or dentist. A good pastor or mentor or elder brother or sister (who is qualified to coach or counsel) is a good idea too. Qualified doesn't mean licensed. It just means that they demonstrate the maturity and capacity and emotional health to coach you. They should exhibit a lifestyle and brand of living you want to have in your life. If you have a power hungry leader, as I've had a few times, these do not make good coaches. They're more likely to hurt you then help. 

CAUTION: Not all pastor's, coaches, or even licensed counselors are created equal, do your due diligence to vet out the options until you find someone that can really help you. This will be someone with a shared worldview, or a worldview you admire, who you trust and who shows the capacity to emphasize, build your confidence, but still challenge your thinking.

There's probably more I could add. I'm sure I will in another post. But that's enough to chew on for now.

Live long and prosper! Shalom!

#Selah

Darrell 

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Simple Enough Chocolate Chip Cookies

Given the way things have been lately I think we need a lighter subject for today... 

Simple Enough:

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough. – Albert Einstein (often attributed)

Ever tried looking up the recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies? You’re immediately overwhelmed with too many choices, options, variations. You are stifled by indecision because of the Tyranny of Choice.

When you do finally pick one, you find yourself confused as the information you need is buried under pages of pictures and ads. Just when you reach the bottom (where the information is usually located, you are blocked by a pop-up asking for your email address. All you wanted was to make some cookies.

Finally, you toss the phone in your pocket, and head out to the store to buy pre-made cookie dough, because who needs this mess?

At Simple Enough we aim to make one thing very simple.

There are many books that can give you details to sift through, leaving you overwhelmed and confused. We want to teach you one thing, and make complicated things Simple Enough. Therefore, we interview someone who’s done ONE thing very well, have them teach it to us, and then we’ll teach it to you. We hope you enjoy this edition.

Simple Enough: Chocolate Chip Cookies

Resident Expert:

My friend Theresa is not a “baker” by trade, as in, she doesn’t own her own bakery….. YET. But she bakes constantly, consistently, and it’s in her heart to do it at a moment’s notice. I’ve seen her bake a thousand cookies for a theater show, out of her own pocket, just for the cast and crew, because she “had to” take care of her people. It’s her ministry and lifestyle. She does it really well. Anytime I’m lucky enough to have one, I feel guilty, like I should have paid to get this quality.

So imagine my giddy heart, when I dropped by one evening and she threw together Chocolate Chip cookies from scratch in moments while absent mindedly doing three other things.

I was floored, when she opened the cabinet, I could tell I was in the presence of a regular baker, there were multiple packages of Chocolate Chips, Nuts, and other cookie ingredients. As she pulled out a mixer and began tossing things together like she’d done (no doubt) a thousand times before, I was shocked at how easy she made it look. I always thought it seemed like it would be “hard” to make cookies from scratch.

As I watched, I said “Wait… so you do that first?” She nodded, and pointed, and directed, “I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life!”

“The directions are on the package,” She said, eyebrow tilted in disbelief at my silliness.

I picked up the package of Chocolate Chips, read them carefully, “The way you do it isn’t on here…” I read them again, “Not exactly.”

Later that week, I tried it and it came out exactly the way they had at her house. I was amazed. All my life I’ve been buying the packages of pre-made mix from the store thinking it was so “hard” to make them from scratch. Now I realize I can make them with almost no effort, and they’ll be twice as much dough for half the cost and they’ll be ten times as good!

Tools:

Here’s what you’ll need:

Mixer: You can use a bowl with a hand whisk and spoon, but if you have a mixer, I beg you to use it. It’s part of what makes this so effortless.

Mixer Attachment: Use the Paddle not the whisk.

Spatula: For scraping the edges throughout the process.

Measuring Cups and Measuring Spoons.

Cookie Sheet, lined with foil, parchment or reusable cookie sheet liners.

Ingredients:

The Wets

Butter 2 Sticks

White Granulated Sugar ¾ Cup

Brown Sugar ¾ Cup

Pure Vanilla 1 teaspoon (imitation Vanilla, a great big heap of it)

Eggs 2

The Dries

Flour 2 ½ Cups (less flour or more, depends on how cakey you want them, experiment). If I overshoot, I sometimes think it out with a dash of milk or more butter. 

Baking Soda 1 Teaspoon

Salt 1 Teaspoon

Chocolate Chips 1 package (or more? He he)

Bonus: Torani Peppermint Syrup

Process:

Here’s where I went wrong. Most recipe’s I’ve seen, have you combine the dry ingredients and then mix the wet in. Here’s what she taught me. It sounds like a lot to think about until you actually do it. Then it’s actually very simple. The mixer does all the work.

Preheat the oven to 350* F

Crème The Wets

Put two sticks of softened room temperature butter into the mixer, with the Granulated White Sugar and Brown Sugar.

Turn the mixer on low and let it beat around for a while.

Use your spatula to scrape the sides and Paddle. Get it all down into the bottom, and start the mixer again, this time a little higher speed.

Add the Vanilla and Eggs

Repeat the process of scraping and mixing until the final product is a smooth

Add the Dries

Add the Flour, Baking Soda, and Salt

Use the lowest setting on the mixer until it’s well mixed, then move to a higher speed.

Continue to turn the mixer off, scrape the sides and paddle, then turn it back on until fully mixed.

Note: Looking for a consistency of tacky but not sticky dough. If the mixer feels too wet, add a little additional flour (1/4 cup at a time), until it gets to the consistency you like. The wetness may vary depending on how much vanilla or peppermint or other extras you add.

Once fully mixed to the right consistency, add the chocolate chips and go for another round of mixing.

Take the Paddle off, lay it aside.

Note: They say not to eat raw dough. Raw eggs may contain salmonella.

Spoon large lumps onto the lined cookie sheet, keeping a little space between each. The larger the cookie, the more space between because it’ll spread out as it bakes.

Tips:

For a softer inside, a little less done in the middle (how I prefer it), bake a little less long.

For a dryer cookie, a little more done in the middle, add some time.

Alternate Recipes:

Try adding Peppermint Syrup, by Torani (like you see at the coffee stands)

Try adding over fun items, nuts, mint chips, peanut butter chips, to add other flavors.

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A Christian simply cannot marry a non-Christian. It's life and death serious.

In a dating thread on Facebook, a conversation arose about faith and dating...

Someone said they were upset because they wanted a relationship with a Christian woman who wouldn't accept an offer from a non-Christian. 

Someone else in the conversation thread said they didn't mind if the person was religious they just didn't want it jammed down their throat.

Someone else said they had no such standard but did like it if the person had some kind of Faith.

A year ago, I'd have felt different. But today, here was my reply:

Jesus is a pre-qualification for me. It's not even enough to be a "Christian". We need to have as much overlap in worldview as possible.

See.

Faith is a term people often use synonymous with religion. A set of beliefs. Esoteric. Heady. Just believe.

In my worldview. 

Jesus is a living, breathing, active participant in my life. I speak to Him. He speaks to me. It's dialogue, not monologue. He is my Lord, my King, my best friend, my lover, my everything.

There's literally not a single relationship on Earth that matters more than my relationship with him. 

So within that framework:

A marriage involves three, active, participants. 

A man who is submitted to Jesus. 

A woman submitted to Jesus. 

A man and woman submitted to each other. 

And Jesus leading the marriage. The real, actual, person Jesus. Not the historical figure from societies ideas about him. 

In my worldview, that's a dynamic two-way friendship and relationship with Jesus. He is Lord of our lives. Any relationship with a woman who was not equally submitted to His Lordship would be impossible for me. A non-starter. And that's as it should be. 

This isn't about religion, it's way beyond that.

Point a gun at my kid's head and tell me you'll shoot unless I renounce Jesus, I'll tell the kids that I'll see them on the other side. I'd do them to say hi to Mom for me.

It's life and death serious for me. 

So that's why it's a non-starter.

This is actually practical too.

Because every single decision, from schooling the kids, Sunday habits, where we live... It's ALL submitted to God in prayer. 

I'm going to deeply rely on her ability to hear the voice of God and speak prophetically into our lives and into every day decisions. 

That's simply just not possible unless she shares my worldview.

**To which I got this reply**

Darrell G Wolfe wow! Did you really state you would rather see your kids get murdered than denounce a mythical figure?? I will get kicked out of this group for this but I don’t care! You are a freaking idiot!

**To which I reply:

No. I said I would rather see my kids murdered  than denounce the only person who has the power to save my soul and theirs. The only person that ever matters in any reality. The one who existed before this Earth, came and died for me, and lives today. The only friend that will ever ultimately matter. He and I speak frequently. He's not mythical. We speak, two way. And I love him more than I love my life. He is my everything. There's literally nothing and no one on Earth that matters more. 

Someday, everyone that's ever lived will agree. Some with pleasure. Some with distaste. 

But every knee will bow to Him eventually. At the end of all things. 

Love you brother. Sorry you can't see it yet.

#Selah

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