Are we too Christian? Are we loosing opportunities to serve because of it?

Are we too "Christian"? 

More and more, I've heard from people who say things like "I don't want to go to church, they're just there to talk about Jesus".

That sounds good on the surface to most Christians. But take it deeper. 

As I ask what they really need and want... I find:

They want to do life as human beings with other human beings. They want to talk about life, struggles, hardships, successes, and do life together. They want real community. 

There is absolutely a truth to having a shared worldview, and shared commitment to The Word and to Jesus Christ our Lord and His Father. I'm not negating that.

But... 

#1. Are we SO dedicated to doing Christiany Things that we actually create a fake community? 

If every time we get together we open the Bible and talk scripture like a book study, making sure we don't say anything that will get a rebuke, making sure we look and sound a certain way... We end up in a place where we don't just do life together, I think we run the danger of building an inauthentic community.

#2. Are we so fortified in our Christiany Things that outsiders who haven't met Jesus yet don't want to be with us? 

We will absolutely turn off those dedicated to darkness. If someone hates the light, they'll hate us. Nothing we do will change that. 

But what if the people who don't like us aren't dedicated to darkness, they're actually making an astute observation about us that we're blind to. We're inauthentic as a community and therefore unsafe.

We should be the safest, freeest, most authentic, most vulnerable, most raw, most willing to be imperfect and let it show, of any community on planet Earth. 

But we're not. We're known for being plastic. One way on Sunday and another way during the week. We're known for being stingy, judgmental, mean, holier than thou, and hard to be around.

The communities the Church wrestled against are the ones being real, raw, authentic. True, they're embracing life choices that are destructive to them. There's no call or ask to be a better version of themselves. But they're real, and the world is drawn to them. 

How could we begin to craft community that is BOTH authentic and calls us to more?

#Selah

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Value is an the inside out proposition.

How you value yourself is how others will evaluate you...

What you are getting back from the world around you is far more dependant on what is inside than you realize. You're getting from others the energy you put out.

This is about value not behavior, even if behavior is affected by value. One must not discount external feedback in regards to behavior modifications. If everyone says you interrupt a lot (my old nemesis), then maybe work on that.

However...

Value is intrinsic. It is known in a deep inner knowing. It is not dependant upon external feedback. In fact, value has the opposite affect. Value is an inside out presentation.

People's reactions to you is more likely a byproduct or response of the value you project.

If you value yourself less, you project that value, you tolerate things, and things come.

If you value yourself more, people still try to test your value but you shut those people down faster. And, people of higher value are attracted to you. People with lower values walk away faster.

So attracting higher value starts first internally, by increasing your own value of you, then externally as people respond to that.

What I would add as a Christian, is that any value you have for yourself apart from Christ is empty. It's hard to see our failure and own our value. The more honest we are the less we value ourselves... Unless... We know that our value is based not on our deeds but on his eyes.

Our value is what he says it is, and he says it's worth the price of His Son.

Therefore, the paradigm shift is knowing who we are in His eyes. Not church. Not Religion. But God's eyes.

When we see ourselves the way he sees us, our identity becomes firm and unmovable. Then from that identity, we work inside out, and people begin to respond differently.

For example, I noticed this play out in an interaction with my friend one Sunday. She could see the difference in my eyes, demeanor, how I talk and carry myself. And instead of pushing me away she leaned in more. Even responded to a coffee invite she's usually too busy for.

I could see her perceiving me differently because of my mindset shifts and how they affect my presentation.

She's not my person, but, it was encouraging to see someone who used to respond to me one way shift how she responded as I changed from the inside out.

Want to take it to the next level? 

Begin calling others to a higher valuation of themselves! 

#Selah

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Is masturbation a sin?

An anonymous friend of mine asked me this question, it's a question I've been asked by several friends in the last year. I'm reposting the question and my current thoughts (subject to change) with permission.

Question:

Do you think masturbation, without using pornography, is still a sin?

My thoughts, as of February 28, 2020:

That's a REALLY good question... I think there's a nuanced way of looking at this.... Multiple sides. 

It's a question I've thought about, studied, and prayed about... A lot.

I've been sexually active and sexually aware since I was FIVE years old. 

In Fall 2016, I was having an affair and planning my suicide.

In January 2017, I found a miracle healing of heart, but that miracle moment wasn't complete healing, it was merely the start of the journey. 

It's taken two counselors, my late wife's unyielding Faith in me, Widowhood, multiple failed relationships and flings, and lots of prayers and some fasting and a lot of books and messages, a few classes, and a lot of safe friendships, and a lot of soul searching, and a lot of emotional healing... To finally say, in February 2020, I am free from Sexual Addiction. 

Given that freedom, I know I must not return to bondage again. I must be diligent to guard my heart and steward my hard won freedom.

So with that background, what are my thoughts...

#1. Wrong Question from the end tree. Sin (S-State of being) is the root... sin (s-action or behavior) is the fruit. 

Asking if a particular behavior is a "sin" is the wrong way to start any questions about God's Grace and Kingdom as New Testament believers. Behavior questions come from the Tree of Knowledge (of Good/Evil). All religious thought comes from that tree. It's the wrong tree. You cannot practice a "Better Knowledge of Good" and be any closer to God than the most evil sinner. We have all fallen short, all our righteousness is as filthy rags. You cannot be good. You cannot be "holy" if by that you mean good behavior. To be "holy" is to be set apart, not to behave well.

The Tree of LIFE doesn't ask behavior questions at all. It asks identity questions. 

Who am I? 

I'm God's Son/Daughter! I stand before him blood washed and stainless. My Sin (capital S, a state of being not an action) is paid for. My actions, sins (lower case s, fruit of Sin State, not the cause of it) are irrelevant. 

This leaves us with:

All things are lawful but not all things are profitable.

#2. Principles not Laws. The Tree of Life alert what is best (heart issue), not what is best behaved (body, action issue).

So if all things are lawful but not all things are profitable, how can we view masturbation?

God made our bodies to be sexual bodies. This is why some people experience orgasms in their sleep. Many a man while going through adolescence has nocturnal ejaculation. The body processes it's need to release.

If due to the combination of psychological and biological need the pressure to release is so high that it's distracting you.... Go release it! 

In some cases you may find that exercise meets that same need for release.

Caution:

In the case of women more than men (but it's true for both) a state of arousal may require imagination or engaged mind. This is where we can get into trouble. 

Fantasy is not bad. Fantasy is part of storytelling and storytelling is why we have movies and books and novels. But fantasy can lead to unreal expectations. When unreal expectations build up and become strongholds in the mind... They can create blocks for real intimacy. 

This is why phornography is dangerous. Pornography builds unrealistic expectations inside the mind and heart, unrealistically high reactions of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin... These inhibit real intimacy with another human.

So ultimately what you do with your body is irrelevant... Watch carefully how it's affecting your mind and heart. 

You could accidentally create a block to real intimacy if you don't guard the heart and mind carefully.

As long as you have a peace about it... Get out the vibrator and get that release. Just watch the mind and heart and be sure you're not building any bondages.

See also, my best practices for alternatives here:

http://www.darrellwolfe.com/2020/02/god-is-passionate-about-your-sex-life.html

#Selah

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Karma. Seed. Feeling Stuck.

My friend posted this question, I'm reposting with permission.  It's a question I struggled with for decades and a common one to the human experience:

Question: They say karma is a bitch... I wonder what I did in a previous life to deserve the crap I have to deal with now. My life isn't terrible, I know, but so many people have it so much easier and I just dont know why I am stuck where I am in life. I don't need a pity party... I do great at those by myself!

Feeling Stuck, and Karma (seed/harvest) are both topics I've been pondering for many years.

Here's my thoughts...

#1. In a broken world things break. So if things aren't going right, that's just part of the human experience. But not the only part, keep pushing forward.

#2. Generally output is equal or greater than input, but that's a general principle not a guarantee for success every time. 

Some seeds produce thousands of times more than you put in. Some seeds never root. Some seeds root then die off quickly. 

Because seed/harvest is a principle, it can still be good to check inputs (what you feed the system). Outputs (what the system feeds you back) are out of your control, but they are influenced by the inputs.

Nevertheless, not every seed (input) will produce.

#3. Boundaries and Emotional Health affect us more than we are usually aware of. It's very possible to be struggling in life, never getting traction on the changes you seek, never "getting ahead" all while focused on the external circumstances (if only I had...) while you are completely unaware of the internal changes you need to make. My entire job environment changed for me in the last three months because my own heart got healed, and what used to be turmoil and dread at work changed to a happy place, without external circumstances changing. 

#4. Just keep swimming. Life is seasonal. Some seasons are darker and some brighter.

#5. Be careful of comparison. You're almost always judging your internal world by someone else's external highlights reel. You are uniquely you. Only you can do what you do the way you do it. Don't compare, just strive to be your truest and most authentic self, the self God created you to be.

#6. Focus on what you give not what you get. The more we focus on what is coming back to us the less happy we'll be. The more we focus on what we sow into others the more content we'll be. This doesn't mean that we should be codependent and give ourselves to death. We should be balanced, healthy, taking time for self care, feeding ourselves strength so that we are fully equipped to give. But... If we're focused on what is coming to us, we'll stop sowing, and stop reaping. 

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Growing Old(er) Together

I thought we'd grow old together... 

Such a common phrase in Widow groups. 

When Flavia died, that dream died with her. You don't just grieve the loss of the person's daily presence in general, you grieve so many specific things.

*She's not here to see our son become an Honor Student. 

*She's not here to see our other son struggle with a topic and then find breakthrough and overcome! 

*She isn't here to enjoy this house, that she would have loved. 

Then there's this whole other level, the future. 

You eventually pick yourself up off the floor and start to live again. 

It starts with just going to work, paying bills, eating, and not dying. But if you leaned into grief counseling and processed healthily, you eventually start to really live again. You start looking forward, making plans, buying a house without her, changing jobs without her, making life altering decisions without her... And then it hits you... 

"We'll never grow old together".

But...

We did grow old-er together.

In our case, that was 14.5 years of happiness, tears, struggles, fears, and victories. We grew up, grew older, and grew wiser... Together. 

We succeeded and failed several times, together.

For some couples, that time was shorter or longer. But with very few exceptions, most couples don't leave Earth in the same moment. Every one of us couples will be a Widow(er) eventually, or, leave someone else in that state. That could happen when you're both 80... Or when you're both 22. There are no guarantees.

Some couples were married 50 years before one died. 

But I know several, personally, that lost their spouse after just a few years, widowed in their 20's. Even these, grew older together. Maybe not as long, maybe months or just a few years, but those experiences, however short, were still experiences you had together. You are still a person who grew because you knew them. 

You can find joy again if you accept that love, life, relationships, kids, families, friends, jobs, careers, all of it... Are about Seasons, they're never permanent. 

Like a river they change shape and size and depth and direction, and over the years they even morph into other things... the only constant is change. 

Once you give up forever and you start accepting life as seasonal, you can grieve the passing of a season while simultaneously embracing all this new season has to offer. 

#Selah 

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When do you walk away?

I’m pondering today, when does biblical advice say to reconcile when there’s been a wrong, when does it say to just overlook it, and when does the Bible say to walk away when one party will not try... This came up tonight at Bible study, it had me rethinking my experiences in 2019.

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/59/pro.17.9.esv

“"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/59/mat.18.15-17.esv

I lost a meaningful friendship last year, 2019. 

I tried, in a very broken way, to follow Matthew 18 and take my complaint to the other party, but they wouldn't hear me. I then made the mistake of trying harder and harder (repeating it, proverbs 17) and drove the wedge further. 

As I look back, I can only see my side of the story, since I've asked the other party and they refused to talk about it. They won't admit to any wrong or talk about any wrong I committed. 

The only path they offered was to pretend it didn't happen, which is a non starter for me.

Without addressing the issue, it remains unresolved. There's no path forward in any relationship (friend, romantic, family, etc) unless the things that caused a divide are resolved. 

So I'm left to ponder it on my own, hope I'm seeing it right, and grow. I'd have grown more if I could see it from both sides, but I don't have that chance.

I'm 100% certain I did the right thing by trying to take the hurt to the person. According to Matthew 18, I should have then gotten a third party from the body of Christ involved instead of pressing harder by myself. A detached third party could have communicated without emotions.

I'm 100% certain I could have done it with more tact and waited until I could be more rational. So the WAY I addressed it created it's own wrong on my side. The emotions flared even hotter until it was impossible to communicate. 

I'm 95% certain the other party didn't even try to hear me. I got a few responses justifying things, never apologizing, never trying to hear me, then a bunch of dismissal saying I was making a big deal out of nothing. No ownership of their part.

It went on so long, that other poor communication tactics on both sides drove the wedge further. 

At this point, I can't see any path forward or any reason to try. I've forgiven them. But after the way I was treated both in the events that led up to the blow out and the way I was treated since, I'll most likely never be able to trust the other party again, so there's no reason to continue trying. 

Two unhealthy people hurt each other, then made it worse. That's really the bottom line.

I believe I am healthier today, in measure. 

If the other party did everything the same, the 2020 Darrell would have handled it differently. But maybe I needed that half year of hell to face the brokenness inside head on and deal with it. I don't know. I know the way I was treated wasn't acceptable, but, I could have handled it differently.

Unless God changes something, it's an impasse now.

My understanding of Matthew 18 is that I should now treat the other party as though they were outside the kingdom of God. Pray for them, evangelisticaly, but not attempt fellowship with them.

Maybe something like Paul's and Barnabas' "heated dispute" over John Mark applies here. We'll go our ways, but maybe God will do a work to restore the friendship down the road. 

What I do know, is that you should wait to communicate until you can do so in love, without being defensive or reactionary. That would have helped, I believe.

I wish the friend great success in life. I hope the Heart of the Father is restored in us toward each other, someday.

In the meantime, how could you apply these two or three scriptures to your relationships?

#Selah 

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My superpower: Lean In.

I think I found my superpower... It's called Lean In. 

All my life, I ran. In fifth grade, I ran from school, ran into homeschool, and I've been running from hard stuff ever since. 

If it's too hard, challenging, it's not for me. My greeting of departure was always "Have fun!"

But when my inner life crashed in around me at the end of 2016... And I entered a season of darkness that led to me planning my own death... I made a choice I'd never made before. It seemed so small, at the time, but it turned out to be the theme upon which I've built my entire life's successes... I leaned in. 

I went to two men, a counselor and a small group leader, and I laid it all out to them. Told them I'd be there regularly until I finished making up my mind who I was going to be. 

Jacob wrestled with God all night, through his darkness, and he left touched by God. Out of that encounter he left with a permanent physical reminder of the struggle, and a new name, new identity. 

When I came out of that season, I too had a permanent reminder and a new identity. It was a fledgling identity, but it was a start. 

When my wife, the boy's mom, died, I had to press into that new identity pretty hard. I had to lean in. I failed and succeeded, back and forth. But I leaned in to the grieving process. 

Tonight, I've been leaning into change on the way I handle political conversations.

That's been hard to swallow.

What's irritating you today? Bothering you? What's getting to you at an almost irrational level? What change are you afraid of? 

Lean In to that feeling. Whatever makes you uncomfortable, is exactly where you need to be.

#Selah

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