Stop letting your emotions rule your life and dictate your relationships.

The tendency of the human heart to bend towards HIDING and Self Protecting is the oldest frailty we humans have. 

It started in the Garden of Eden.

As soon as man disconnected from intimacy with God it created disconnection in his intimacy with others. The first fall out of the Fall was to cover and hide. The second fall out of the Fall was to blame others for the experience we're having rather than take ownership of our part in it.

1. Hiding

2. Blaming

These two poisonous traits are the root of our sin nature. 

I see this play out in my son's debates. He did this to me, he's always, he never, well if you wouldn't, that's because you...

Unfortunately, many of us never outgrow this tendency. We continue to run from... HIDING from others, self protecting, blaming others for our own emotions.

How often I told my wife, kids, bosses, or even God himself... "If you wouldn't/would... I...."

Rather than taking ownership of my emotions, I wanted to make other people responsible for them.

If only this person would stop doing x, start doing y, if z circumstances would change... THEN my emotions would be good. 

No matter how hard the external circumstances, your emotions are yours alone. Talk to the POWs, and others who maintained their joy in the worst places on Earth.

Paul and Silas were sent to prison unfairly, beaten without due process, and still... They sang.

So if you're ready for the hardest and most rewarding task you've ever been assigned:

Own Your Emotions!

Say this out loud:

"I acknowledge that I am having feels. These feelings area my own. While they are in response to external stimuli, they were not caused by others and cannot be fixed by others. I chose to lean into this emotion, get curious about it, determine what I can my heart is telling me, what truths or lies are involved, and let the Holy Spirit guide me through healing and restoration. I will not ask others to change, I will only determine what I'm feeling and how I will choose to respond. That may mean cutting off relationship, but, it will more often mean pressing into relationship and exposing what I would rather hide, owning what I would rather blame, and allowing this to be about my emotion and not the circumstances, actions, it words that led to it."

Selah

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Three (3) Core Elements of Healthy Conflict Resolution, and their unhealthy shadows.

Conflict... This word used to send shivers up my spine. 

When I thought of conflict, I couldn't help but see that conflict meant I was wrong or bad or insufficient. Someone was asking me to change, which I already knew I couldn't do. It felt accusatory, bad, wrong, and I ran from it. So much so, that my wife at the time would begin to bring something up that smelled like conflict and I would go into full shut-down mode. I was incapable of feeling or thinking of having any thoughts. This is called being Conflict Avoidant.

Photo by jean wimmerlin on Unsplash

As I healed, I learned that Conflict is actually neither good nor bad, neither healthy nor unhealthy... conflict can be a great tool to help you grow individually or as a couple/friend.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict is the topic of today's' discussion.

There are at least three core elements of a conflict. 

There are many ways to break this down but for our purposes, we will look at three core elements and their results.

1. Address it: The person who is having an emotion brings it up with the other party.
2. Receive it: The person who's behavior (purposefully or accidentally) led to the emotion, hears the first person. 
3. Process and Resolve it: The parties work through the conflict until it comes to some kind of end result (positive, neutral, or negative). 

Conflict Principles

Before we can look at these in more detail, we need to understand some principals of conflict management. If you (both parties, not just one) carry these into the conversation you carry a much higher degree of certainty that the outcome will be healthy and benefit all involved. 

• Seek first to understand, not to be understood. You cannot go into the conversation (either addressing or receiving) with an attitude of fists up, ready to defend your position). If you do, you've lost before you have begun. Your first goal must be to understand the other person, not push to be heard. From personal semi-recent experience, I can tell you pushing to be understood may remove that person from your life forever. 

• Assume the Best. If you are going to address an emotion or behavior, assume the best about the other person. If you assume the worst, why bother addressing anything? If they are the worst, then just walk away forever. If you care about them, you should assume they have your best interest at heart until you have independent reason to believe otherwise, in which case, you should probably cut off the relationship and walk away. So if you're not ready to walk away, assume the best. 

• Addresser: Own your Emotion. It is your emotion. The other party did not cause it. They do not have the power to create feelings inside of you. What matters to one person deeply wouldn't even show up on another person's emotion radar. So if you are having an emotion, that emotion is YOUR responsibility, not the other party's. Even if their behavior/action led to your emotional reaction, it is your emotion. Own the responsibility for it. We must own our emotions without making it about the other person. To say "you made me so angry" is to assign that person magical powers they do not have, ever. It's your emotion, own it.

• Receiver: Empathize with the emotion. You've felt this way in some fashion before, try to remember what it felt like. Even if you don't see why your action should have caused the other person to feel the way they do, that is irrelevant, they do. You are not responsible for their emotion but you can have empathy and compassion for it. You can also see where you could do better, so try to see it from their view (back to seeking to understand, not be understood). It's possible they feel a certain way because they misjudged you, you can be the addresser next and we can start this whole process over from you addressing your emotion about their emotion. For now, just seek to understand. 

• Love and Affirmation: Your attitude should be that of LOVE (patient, kind, gentle, no records of wrong... 1 Cor 13 stuff). It should be with the goal of Affirmation (positively affirming the person's value to you and your life and their own intrinsic value as God's Child). The goal cannot be to change behavior first. That comes second. First, the goal must be to understand and empathize with the emotion. Only then, when both parties understand why the emotion happened, can the behavior then be evaluated in the right light, context, and environment of love and affirmation. 

With those principles in mind, let's look at the three elements separately. 

Address it: The person who is having an emotion brings it up with the other party.

• Healthy: I'm having a feeling, I own it, can you partner with me in this. 

• Unhealthy: Different from: I'm having a feeling, you're responsible, make it stop.

The best tool I know of to start these conversations in a way where the behavior is addressed but the person feeling the emotion still owns it is called "When you/I felt". 

The action needs to be concrete and specific, NO generalities. So instead of "When you do things like this" it could be "When you put the cup on the counter instead of the dishwasher...".

The emotion needs to be owned by the feeler of the emotion. So "You make me so..." would be incorrect. Nobody can make you feel anything. You own that emotion. 

The topic needs to be the emotion, not the action. The goal is NOT to change the action/behavior, not yet. The goal is to ensure both parties hear each other's hearts. Only then can we evaluate the action in the right context. 

This could sound like this:

• When you put the cup on the counter instead of the dishwasher, I felt disrespected. Like you didn't care about how hard I work to keep things clean. Like you didn't value my efforts. I felt disrespected and uncared for. Can we talk about how I'm feeling? (note: not 'what you did'). 

• When you picked up the phone during dinner, I felt unwanted and less important than whatever was on your Facebook feed. Can we talk about how hurt I feel?

Receive it: The person who's behavior (purposefully or accidentally) led to the emotion, hears the first person, seeks to understand (not defend), and paraphrases back to the Addresser what they heard to check for understanding.

• Healthy: Seek to understand: Tell me more about that... 

• Unhealthy: Defensive: That's not what I did... meant... said... You always blow things out of proportion...

"Tell me more about that... What was going on in your heart when you felt that way? What words or phrases did you experience in your inner self-talk about that?" 

"So when I put the cup on the counter, you felt disrespected. I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I apologize for taking an action that caused you to feel uncared for. Will you please forgive me?

Process and Resolve it: The parties work through the conflict until it comes to some kind of end result (positive, neutral, or negative). 

This process of hearing, asking, seeking to understand may be quick for small items or take days/weeks for bigger life issues. But the goal is always a relationship, love, connection. Connecting each other's hearts. 

• Healthy: Both parties assume the best of the other, seek to understand not be understood, hear each other out, don't get defensive or wall off, and work to resolve the emotion as well as any possible behavior modifications that may be best to love each other well. 

• Unhealthy: Both parties wall off, defend, assume the worst of each other, shut down, and they miss each other's hearts, over-focusing on behaviors and never hearing each other's hearts.

The End results:

When a conflict is handled well, both parties will end up feeling valued and heard, cared for, and they will feel more connected to each other. 

When a conflict is not handled well, both parties will feel violated, disrespected, unloved, uncared for, defensive, and less connected to each other. 

If you aren't sure if you (both of you) are handling the conflict well, all you need to do is examine the fruit. 

• Healthy: More Connected
• Unhealthy: Less Connected

It really is that simple. It's not easy, it's actually the hardest lesson I've ever learned. I had to press in when everything was telling me to wall off and run. 

It's not easy, but it is simple. 

Resource:

One of the most helpful references I have seen on the topic of relationships is: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Life, by Henry Cloud  (Author), John Townsend (Author) (affiliate link) 


Selah!

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

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The end of self...

What if suffering isn't good or evil, it just is. And our response is what matters?

"When he saw the crowds, he went up the mountain. After he sat down his disciples came to him. Then he began to teach them by saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you and say all kinds of evil things about you falsely on account of me. Rejoice and be glad because your reward is great in heaven, for they persecuted the prophets before you in the same way."

Matthew 5:1‭-‬12 NET

https://bible.com/bible/107/mat.5.1-12.NET

We are so quick to look for physical beauty, strength, education, success... And point these out as the epicenter of virtue. 

But one thing I've learned this past few years, is that suffering produces perseverance, patience, and character.

If...

If it's responded to correctly. 

Or...

Suffering could also produce bitterness, selfishness, depression. Wow is me.

The difference seems to be whether we allow the event to turn is inward to focusing on self or outward to focusing on God. 

I do not recognize the man I was this time last year. I expect this time next year I'll be doing things I've been avoiding all my life.

I never imagined I could say this... But I'm grateful for the character I have today, despite (never because of) the things I had to go through to get here. 

I will never be grateful for the trials but I can be grateful for the changes they induced. 

God's first choice is our willing reliance on Him. But reliance on him through any means is sweet. 

Selah

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Open doors do not equal God's will...

I once had a disagreement with a young man at a Biblical Retreat. He didn't want to hear God's voice, he wanted to be led by open doors. If the opportunity came, it was God. 

Fatalism. 

Such a sinister thing. It has the sound of Wisdom when it is Folly. 

We cannot have Faith for what we have not Heard. Faith comes by Hearing (not reading or seeing). 

Jesus was surrounded by a crowd that wanted to make Him King. But he had heard His Father. He knew his Destiny and Plan. He ran from that "open door of opportunity". He went off by himself, into the hills, to be alone with his Daddy and hear His voice. 

Anytime we are presented with an opportunity, we should do the same. Sleep on it. Get away. Hear Daddy's voice, and get Wisdom about that decision.

Don't be led by opportunity, that's the Tree of Knowledge.

Be led by the Spirit of God, the Voice of His Word, and by the Heart of your Daddy. 

Are you facing an opportunity today but feeling anxious about it? Could be a signal to get with Daddy and hear His heart.

Selah.

Darrell

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Look to Jesus in your pain.

Jesus visited the Pool of Bethesda and quietly healed one man. So quietly, in fact, the healed man didn't know who Jesus was. There were so many at the pool that the man referred to them as "someone always gets there first". 

In this moment, Jesus healed one man but did not heal a crowd of them. Most of the time we see the scriptures say "Jesus healed all"... But even then we know that there were likely many who never saw Jesus, never heard him, He didn't come to their city, and they didn't seek Him out.

Both in His days on Earth and still today, Jesus Heals! He absolutely does. But if He doesn't show up at your door spoon feeding you miracles, will you seek Him out?

Philip Yancey gives a compelling argument that suffering can be used to help us transform. God NEVER brings suffering to us, that's Calvinist nonesense. But sometimes He walks through suffering with us, instead of delivering us from it.

The Bible says God works all things for the good of those who LOVE Him. 

This doesn't mean he brings bad things to you "for His Glory". Again, Calvanist nonesense. 

But...

In a broken world stuff breaks. We live in a broken world, stuff will break. It's certain.

Our response brings different outcomes. 

We can focus on the pain, and grow bitter.

Or

We can Love Jesus, turn to Him, and allow Him to do a work in our hearts. We may even find we grow and mature during the painful season in ways we never could during the pleasure season.

Shalom means: Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken, Everything Whole and Complete.

Shalom is His will for you, now and always. But perfect Shalom will not happen for us in this lifetime. We are in the world but not of it.

Why His Shalom is realized on this Earth for some in some ways and not others, I don't know. 

But we all experience a measure of His Shalom, and we all experience an eager expectation of ultimate Shalom after.

Selah.

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Watching the wind...

I'm watching the wind take tall strong pine trees and toss them back and forth, whip my American Flag to and fro violently...

Yet...

Am I?

Am I watching the wind?

I am watching its affects. The wind is invisible.

As I read Philip Yancey this morning, I find I am in need of a theology shift. I can carry forward some of the beautiful lessons of yester-year's moves of God without carrying forward their excesses. 

I can look to Faith and Healing as true, real, and necessary parts of living in God.

But not to the exclusion of Pain and Suffering.

Both the Heights of Pleasure/Reward and the Depths of Pain/Suffering are parts of the life we live on this broken Earth.

In a broken world, things break. 

That's it. That's the cause of suffering. It isn't God's will that you suffer but the world is broken and His promise of ultimate restoration is future-tense. 

When Jesus steps foot on the Earth, he will make things new. But even then, 1,000 years later there will be a second round of suffering before the world is re-made in His image. 

So until the ULTIMATE restoration of all things into His will... There will be Pain. It will be a part of life. God will walk through the valley of the shadow of death with us. 

Note: Walk through, not avoid.

But out of that experience, he also brings comfort, banquet table, and anointing.

Healing and Death.

Pleasure and Pain.

These are all part of the experience.

I can find Him in all of it.

If I turn to Him in both, both will be more fulfilling and rewarding, despite the Pain.

I may not always see Him in every moment, sometimes His wind is very still. 

Sometimes He will rush in and move things, other times He will be a gentle touch, other times He will be so still I am not aware, but He is there. 

Always there.  

If I can breathe then I know the air of His presence is there, felt or not.

Selah.

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Get paid to work for God?

Are you employed by God?

... 🤔🧐💲💹🤯...

Not by "The Church".

Not in a "Ministry".

But actually working for God himself.

You can be a banker, writer, contractor, ditch digger, hair stylist, teacher, artist, etc... At you day job, but still be employed by God.

He's asking us to love people well and usher them to His presence.

He pays his harvesters and planters well.

I'm broadening my perspective today. Instead of putting my head down and making it... I will look up, and see who might need my Daddy's touch today.

Far more difficult than it sounds but far more rewarding.

Selah.

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