Get Free: Two (2) ways we become stressed under pressure and one solution to both problems.

Discover freedom in rejecting expectations and shoulds by tapping into identity's noble desires.

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

For Freedom we have been set FREE:

We use the term "free" quite a bit in the United States of America "Land of the Free". The Bible tells us that we are made free and is for freedom that we've been set free. Gateway Church in Southlake Texas has a whole wing of ministry called Freedom Ministry.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 ESV   (whole chapter here)

So if the Son makes you free (1659 /eleutheróō), you will be free (1658 /eleútheros) indeed. Jn 8:36 NASU

But what does that mean, exactly?

What does it mean to be set free, made free, be free? 

Under the contexts of freedom I've seen throughout the Bible's tapestry, and those that have played out in my life and the lives of others, I see primarily two wings of freedom. Both are required to set your life to flight. And both wings require a life-long commitment to build strength around. You'll never have a day where you don't need to work on keeping these wings strong or making them stronger.

They are:

1. Outside Expectations
2. Inside Temptations

1. Outside Expectations: The Pressure to Perform

Outside Expectations can be many things. They are summarized as pressure to conform or fit into your society, culture, church, or group.

Any expectation that you think makes you qualify. I need to act a certain way to be good enough. I need to talk a certain way to be good enough. If I do x, y, and z I'll be a good Christian and get in God's good graces. 

It is due to these expectations we have either been told exist; or, we tell ourselves exist; the pressure to perform is created.

Solution is Identity: Your value and worth do not come from what you do but from who you are. 

There is no value in performance. You are not a "better Christian" because you performed. You are not more worthy to others because you performed. On the outside, you may see them praise you performance (which is how we get into this trap early on).

You need to understand that your value doesn't come from performance but from knowing who God created you to be. When you tap into your identity, you no longer feel required to perform.

Ironically, this form of being set free actually leads to more consistent, authentic, and value-driven perfomance. Now, you are performing out of who you are and not in order to be seen as something you are not.

2. Inside Temptations: The Pressure of Should

You know things you "should" be doing, but you don't do them. You know things you "shouldn't" be doing, but you do them. You don't want to do them, but you do them. Why?

Stop Shoulding on Yourself

This should mentality drives you to see all the places your outward behavior hasn't lined up with your inner desires and drives. Because of this, you become failure conscious. This drives you to focus on the areas you fail, which then makes you feel like a failure, which then demotivates you to keep trying. It's a self-feeding cycle of failure. 

Solution is Identity: Knowing who you are, tap into that inner person and ask them, what does my Noble Self desire? 

Being set free in your identity allows you to trust that identity because it's who God made you to be.

So I am not going to say: "I have to get up tomorrow and go for a walk".

I am going to say: "My Noble Self desires to get up tomorrow and go for a walk."

One is an obligation, the other is an identity-based choice. If you choose not to go, you didn't fail. You simply chose something else. You are free to make choices now.

Understanding your identity will set you free from the expectations of others and those you place on yourself. You are free to make choices, and understand what self those choices are coming from. 

What about you? Comment below:

What choices have you made recently that were driven by expectations of "shoulds"? How could knowing your identity and tapping into the desires of your Noble Self change how you live (the pressure you live under)?

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

What's your story? Why are you here?

Dear Jesus,

I sit here at stare at the blank page on my screen. Hesitant. Unsure about what to write. I find it acts as a strong metaphor for my life at the moment.

One giant blank page. Thousands of potential things I "could" do; yet, none of them seem viable or worthy of pursuit.

I find myself lacking a larger narrative for my life, a drive, a vision, a purpose.

• I know my calling is to those who are distressed, discouraged, and in debt; to train them into men and women who can be mighty for God, pulling down strongholds. These battles will take place in the hearts and minds of men. 
• I know I am a Storyteller. Writer/Scribe. Thinker, Sojourner. I am someone who works to discover the truth of a matter and bring it to the light. NO HIDING is my life's motto. 
• I know I am a father of two boys and they are my primary ministry and calling at this time. Yet, if I'm not headed anywhere, can I lead them?

Donald Miller talked in the StoryBrand Podcast about creating a Family Mission Statement. He sold the idea that the mission statement doesn't have to be long term or life long. It can be a short-term mission statement. "We are a family that gets rid of our excess and sells it in a garage sale this spring..." and then you review it often and the whole family assesses what they've been doing to reach that target.

So what is our vision? What is our family mission statement?

Elements of a good mission statement:

• Identify the problem that we are on Earth to solve.
• "Most people suffer with..."
• Be Specific. Don't be vague. They should immediately feel connected to the problem. 
• How do we solve the problem?
• "We have a product/process that does..."
• Make it feel like a new idea. Make it understandable. Make it brief. 
• This is the product, even if you sell a thousand things, make it one thing. 
• What is their happy ending?
• "... so that they (happy ending)."
• What is the outcome? How do they look when we're brought the solution to them?
• This should be the controlling idea, everything drives to this.
• Your product is not your business, their happy ended is the what you are selling. That's what you are in the business of doing. 

I don't have answers yet... just throwing this out there to ponder.

Here's a quick possibility:

• Many people are walking through life "faking it till they make", lost in their own life story.

• I write stories and articles that help people see past the lies and discover their true selves.

• So they can live more authentically free to be who they were created to be. 

Needs work... but it's a start.


What about you? 

What problem are you on Earth to solve? 

How do you solve it? 

What is the happy ending others receive from your solution?

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

Five (5) Communication skills that may help you avoid a total meltdown... or navigate one if it's unavoidable.

Communication skills that may help you avoid a total meltdown... or navigate it if it's unavoidable. 

NO HIDING: Communication Breakdowns

As I reflect on the NO HIDING Journey, the problems all resulted from not talking. Every relationship breakdown I've ever had came from one or both parties walling off and shutting down.

Every relationship (romantic, friendship, colleague, etc)  I've found healing and restoration in, involved talking, and lots of it. The wounds had to be uncovered and acknowledged and healed. But communication is hard.

So what are some tools we can use to navigate these situations?

Photo by Fred Moon on Unsplash

The Breakdown:

For one reason or another, I've seen communication breakdowns this year, several. In each instance, the breakdown was similar, the other party walled off and disappeared, I got defensive, communication stopped. It's happened with a few people, and each of them had similar personality types and backgrounds with each other, which is something I'll pay attention for in the future.

I asked myself if it is a reflection on me? Is this a sign something is wrong with me?

The answer is yes and no.

Yes: Could I have done better? Sure. Absolutely. We could all improve.

No. The answer isn't that something is wrong with me. My identity is secure.

If someone walls off and goes away, that's about them and not about you. But there may be things you could have done differently and do differently next time.

Five (5) Keys to Communication Breakdowns and Recoveries:

1. Communication is about making sure the hearer understands you.

Do your best to communicate the issues. However, remember that the issues are rarely the issues. It's not about who didn't call, or what dishes were left where. The issues are feelings. Emotions.

Try this:

When you___, I felt___, is that what you meant to communicate?

If they respond well, you can discuss those feelings and come to a resolution.

However, be prepared for the other party not to know how to respond. Telling someone that they hurt you may cause them to wall off and defend themselves, feeling attacked.

If they run, don't chase them. Proceed to point number 2.

2. Communication is often a "less is more" proposition.

If you can't say it simply, you don't understand it well enough. (attributed to Albert Einstein).

If you can find a way to use fewer words, do so. Maybe don't even try adding more explanation unless you're asked for it. Your attempts to clarify, clarify, clarify may drive them further underground. Overwhelmed with your words.

Wait it out. Say nothing. If you've said what can be said and they're not engaged, back away. Let them sort it out on their own. Depending on the closeness of the relationship, this may look different in different circumstances.

You could send a nudge now and then, see if they're willing to come to the table. But don't force your way into their space. That's you violating their boundaries.

If they never come back, you've either lost a friend, or you're preparing for divorce, or whatever. That's about them, not you. You tried.

If they come back, repeat step one. Or, try step 3.

3. Communication is two way. Seek to understand rather than be understood. 

If you've tried to communicate your feelings and they are completely non-responsive. They may be having their own feelings they need to process. Try understanding their feelings and not focusing on yours for the moment.

Your feelings must be addressed. If the other party refuses to address your feelings, they are selfish (and probably a narcissist) and you should cut your losses and move on.

However, you may find them more receptive if they aren't feeling so defensive. I did not do this with one friendship and it is now effectively terminated. It's too far gone to resurrect, I think. But another friendship was resurrected by using this principle.

It sounds something like this:

"I think I hear you saying, that when I (or he/they)____, you felt___. Am I understanding you correctly?" 

If no, ask for clarification. 

If yes, "Tell me more about that."

If the party engages in this, and you've met their emotional needs, you may find them more receptive to meeting yours. You could, eventually, go back to step one.

If all these fail, and you are still dealing with a walled-off individual, you move to step 4.

4. Communication is a community effort.

Get others involved in the situation. Bring it before the group and let other outsiders help fix things.

A. Get Help:

• Seek professional outside assistance. If it's a life-partner (spouse), you could try counseling with a third party. A Licenced Marriage and Family Therapist LMFT or Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) or Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), can provide you professional assistance in communication, healing wounds, and working on moving forward. 

• Seek non-professional outside assistance. Maybe it's not worth all that for this small argument. But maybe getting a pastor or friend to sit with you both could help get a detached third party's perspective and they could help you each see what the other is saying.

Note: Every couple should have a professional marital counselor. Your pastor doesn't count unless he's also a licensed counselor. You should have a pastoral counselor too, but it's not the same. I would say this is even more important than having a primary care physician, dentist, or chiropractor. It's an essential for good mental health for individuals and couples. 

B. Walk Away: Draw The Boundary

If you've tried principles 1-3, and you've tried to get help and it either didn't work or they didn't want to try:

• You walk away. 
• You don't let walking away dictate messages to you about your value or worth. 

In two of my situations this year, #4 either wasn't an option or I didn't see a way to make it an option at the time. Maybe it would have gone differently, I'll never know.

5. Communication failure is not a reflection on your identity. 

If, for any reason, you came to the point you've decided there is no benefit to continuing to try, you walk away and don't look back. This isn't mean or cold, it's just good boundaries. It's healthy and right.

You are best served by not doing this in anger. In fact, you should do your best to walk through forgiveness and attempt reconciliation before coming to this point.

If you can calmly evaluate the situation and you see no way to move forward, you are at an impasse. In that case, it is perfectly acceptable to walk away from the table. Either temporarily or permanently.

When you do, don't allow the enemy of your heart to assign a value proposition to you regarding this decision.

In other words, this decision doesn't mean you are a failure or that you failed. It doesn't even necessarily mean the other party failed. It simply means that for this moment in time, the combination of your individual decisions has resulted in an impasse.

In an effort to value your own heart, walk away.

• Don't keep trying. 
• Don't look back. 
• Don't accept their efforts to try again either, unless there is something substantially different that would indicate real progress (principles 1-4) is possible. 

When this happens, there is a danger that you feel you are being rejected. Marshall Burtcher says it this way:

[I can't believe they'd throw it all away like that!  I feel devastated!  It is like I've lost myself...]  The Discard Trauma.  It is THE thing we work so, so hard to avoid.  It is the one reason we develop people-pleasing and codependent habits.  We need to prevent the discard from happening. And when it does, it. is. crushing.  We feel hollowed out.  It is like someone came in and scooped out our worth and sense of self and ran away with it, leaving us in a frozen, terrified state. Continue Reading... Facebook: Healing Codependency & Trauma with Marshall Burtcher

The fact is, this was not a reflection on your value or worth, it was a communication breakdown between two parties with two wills.

It may have been a failure of your communication skills at the time, or the other party's, or both. But that is just a learning curve, skills are not value. You'll do better with the next human because you learned here.

Don't allow this breakdown, this discard, to assign a negative value to your heart. You did the best you could with the tools you had.

Don't take responsibility for them either. Let the other party be responsible for their side of the road too, and you walk away free of guilt and shame.

Any mistakes by either side are under the blood of Christ, walk away guilt and shame-free.

Keep these tools for the next time (and there will be a next time, with someone), and maybe it'll go better with the next human.

What about you? Comment below. 

Which of these steps would have (or has) created a new way of thinking about communication failures?

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

NO HIDING is a building I keep remodeling, better each time... today, let's talk about Completions (7) and New Beginnings (8).

You don't always have to have all the answers but you have to be willing to keep searching for them. 

My path to arrive at the NO HIDING lifestyle wasn't direct, at all! It involved a lot of scavenger hunting for Truth. Without the clues and signs along the way, I'd have probably stopped a long time ago.

It's finally occurred to me: the journey won't ever be over, it's a life-long pursuit.

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

What does it mean to ask, seek, and knock?

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 English Standard Version

The scripture makes it sound so simple, doesn't it? Need something? Just ask! Seek, you'll find it. Knock, doors will fly open for you. But it never actually works that way, does it?

Jesus goes on in that same message to talk about good fruit vs bad fruit, narrow path vs wide path, and he ends by discussing two houses, one built on the sand and one built on the stone. 

Notice: BOTH houses endured the same storm. 

Building a house on The Rock was no guarantee that storms would not come, in fact, building the house on The Rock was in preparation for the storms he promised would come. 

The NO HIDING Lifestyle is a building I keep having to rebuild. 

My NO HIDING Lifestyle culminated with this motto in 2017... but it really started in earnest in 2013 and I can see traces of it back further. I've been pressing in for some of these answers for decades. 

It often seemed like the bottom was falling out just as I would happen upon another Truth that would lift me back up and take me to a higher place for a period of time. 

I noticed that I didn't seek as hard when times were good. And maybe that's one of the reasons they didn't stay as good for as long. Who knows. 

Every time a storm came, I could see what materials I'd been using to build that can't last. It would shake loose the trashy construction and I'd be left with the solid stuff I had built earlier. Each re-build was stronger and more durable than the last. I found that with each successive rebuild, the storms caused less damage, even if they were bigger storms. 

It seems fitting that I quote Matthew 7:7 today, as I just discovered that today is 17 months and 17 days since I became a Widower and my life was shattered. But the lessons she taught me helped me walk through this season and come out stronger, not weaker. 

On January 7, 2020 (late into the evening of January 6, 2017), it will be three years since I began this NO HIDING journey. It was after a season of hardship that we learned this Truth that set us free.

I made a change that involved a friendship on December 7 & 8. It was the end of one era and the beginning of a new era for our friendship. We remain good friends, just differently now as we pursue other things and our journeys diverge. I believe we'll both be the richer for this change. 

Special Numbers 7/8

• 7 is the number of completion.
• 8 is the number of new beginnings 

There's been a prophetic regularity to those numbers in my life this month. Completion and New Beginnings. The boys and I are even starting a new hobby together this Christmas. 

What about you? Comment below:

• What has your path to NO HIDING looked like? How did you have to change to become more authentic?
• What things are coming to Completion for you?
• What things are starting as New Beginnings for you?

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

You need a mission partner. Men you are not her hero, women you are not a damsel in distress. You are co-heros on a mission together.

I Can Love You Like That... and other hero-codependency issues. 

I've been humming this song incessantly lately... when I finally looked up the lyrics, I realized how unhealthy they actually are.

Song: "I Can Love You Like That", lyrics by azlyrics.com

Photo by King Lip on Unsplash

We are looking for our Co-Heros

I used to have these dreams about being Superman. I dreamt that I could fly and even eventually got the suit and cape. It was a recurring dream most of my life. I still have that dream sometimes. When I got older and started longing for a partner, I found my dream started to include another person.

You know who was not in that dream? Louis Lane. I didn't want a doe-eyed reporter.

No. That part of the dream was of a fellow flyer, in blue and red, cape and all. Superwoman.

We flew together. Our adventures were possible (I knew instinctively) because we were cut from the same cloth, we were on a mission, equally empowered, fighting the same enemies with similar tools. Balancing each other's strengths but coming at the world from a symbiotic perspective.

If I ever have a partner again, she must have the same je ne sais quoi that I have. She must be of my tribe or clan.

This all got me re-thinking those lyrics I'd been humming all week.

Here's where I think the lyrics go drastically wrong and set us up for failure.

Women: You don't need anyone to rescue you. You need a mission partner.

They read you Cinderella, You hoped it would come true, That one day your Prince Charming, Would come rescue you...

I'm not saying that you don't want to be led well. Even my feminist friends tell me they want a strong man who leads well. But you don't need a rescuer.

You are a whole and complete person by yourself. You have value, worth, and strength of your own.

You have enemies of your own and the tools to fight those enemies inherent within you.

And all this time that you've been waiting, You don't have to wait no more

Don't be waiting around for him to come. Stop waiting. Go live your life. Find your mission. Find your calling, gifting, and passion. Do you. Keep your eyes open for him to join you in your cause, but have a cause for him to join.

Aimlessness is unattractive for both sides. If you want a high caliber partner, be on a mission so he knows if you are going the same direction and engaged in the same battle. You can partner together.

Men: You are not her savior, you are her partner. She is not your world, you are not hers, she needs a world-mission-vision to partner with.

I can love you like that, I will make you my world... I would give you my heart, Be all that you need

If you are constantly running to damsels in distress, being her codependent hero, you will always have distress to solve. She'll always be in distress. You will always be rescuing her. She will create distress to get your attention when you are not paying enough attention.

(almost) Never rescue anyone from their own choices. Go buy Boundaries (affiliate link), by Dr's Townsend and Cloud if you don't already understand why.

You don't need someone to rescue. She doesn't need you to codependently make her your world. She wants to join you in your adventure, not be your adventure herself.

In Wild at Heart (affiliate link), John Eldredge wakes us men up to the yearning in our souls for adventure. I believe it was in this book (could have been one of his others), John helps us see that she doesn't want to BE our adventure and focus, she wants to come alongside of us ON the adventure, together.

When I heard a good friend recently tell me about what caught her heart, she described how the man had similar passions and vision and she could see them working together to solve the problems they both care about in this world.

That's a mission-driven, outward-focused, partnership.

Mission-Driven Marriage: On a mission together

In the Building a StoryBrand podcast, Episode #178: How You and Your Family Can Live a Richer Story in 2020, Donald Miller discusses the importance of having a clear mission for your family. It doesn't have to be a life-long mission. Mission statements can be short-term. But they must be clear and compelling and drive action. This mission, he says, keeps us from becoming stagnant in our lives; where day runs into day with no higher meaning or purpose.

When you have a mission, you are not facing each other, which can lead to intimacy short term but also leads to fault finding and bickering. You are facing out, together, shoulder-to-shoulder, facing a common enemy. 

When you are mission-driven, you will be happier, healthier, and more focused on the future than the present. More focused on why tomorrow matters. You move from surviving to thriving. This is true as individuals as well as families. 

In this paradigm, nobody is being rescued. Nobody is being a rescuer. You are co-heros, on a journey in your joint story, on mission together, fighting a common enemy. 

One pastor friend told me that the goal of a marriage is that each partner is facing the other, but focused on the world around them, able to see the enemies coming from behind their partner that they themselves cannot see. 

Hint: Men, next time your wife (significant other) tries to point out something you are missing, don't feel attacked. That's her God-given ability to see something attacking you that you are not seeing. Feel grateful for her observations, they may have just saved your life. 

On a personal note:

As a man, I have no way of knowing if you are my potential future partner if you are not on a mission of your own. I don't know if we are fighting the same enemies with the same goals. 

Men, how will your woman know if you are on the adventure she wants to join if you aren't already on it?

Your turn: Comment below

What's your mission? What drives you? If you are waiting around for a partner to start, STOP THAT! Go get on a mission, and find your partner on the journey. 

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

Lies. Blindness. Denial. Blame. Filters of Brokenness.

Sometimes you can be so blinded by the lies in your head, that you can't even see or hear reality. 

Sometimes the filters you see the world through cause you to miss each other, and neither of you is hearing what the other is trying to say.

Photo by Devin Avery on Unsplash

When this happens, you begin to ascribe meaning and motives to events that aren't there. You believe someone is attacking you when they aren't. Every shadow is a demon out to get you.

I've lived it. I've watched others live it. I think we're all in one form of denial or another about something at any given moment.

It's easier to blame others for your pain than accept the truth, much of it didn't even happen the way you imagined it in your head.

To those with whom I argued, accused, blamed, and yelled at, or whose phones I blew up with verbal vomit...

I apologize. It wasn't really you. It was me. I was the one with a broken filter, and I needed to get fixed.

It's possible that some of it was you, but even then, I take responsibility for my side.

If you ever read this, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you while I was struggling.

Go Be Amazing!

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →

I kissed dating, hello! Revolutionize your dating life by realizing: "dating" and "relationship" are not the same thing,

Stop Spouse Hunting!

I was asked by a friend to summarize the dating advice/plan I learned from "How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back" (affiliate link), by Dr. Henry Cloud.

She said it would be helpful to get the gist of what the mindset shift is and why. The following summary is limited to the basic but fundamental mindset shift I went through and helped her go through. Once you understand this one simple shift, it radically changes everything about how you date, and it takes all the pressure off to "find a spouse".

That mindset shift is this: Dating and a Relationship are NOT the same thing. 

Photo by Darrell Wolfe, my personal collection.
"How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back" (affiliate link)

Note: The original "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" (affiliate link), really should be read before you read How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. It sets the larger context and stage for what it means to live in a healthy community and relationship with other humans of all kinds. Once you have a handle on Boundaries, then move on to the other books in any order you prefer. 

Disclaimer:

There's WAY more to this book than I could possibly explain in a blog post (it took a whole book to say it). There is more background, a hundred why-behinds, more steps, a detailed step-by-step plan, examples and real-life stories, etc... the book is linked in this post. Read it!

That being said, at a 1,000-foot view, here's the bottom line.

We are using dating and relationship interchangeably, and they're not the same, nor should they be. Dating and Relationship are two different things, even if you go on dates while in a relationship. 

The ultimate goal is a relationship, but not with every person you date, not immediately. 

The purpose of Dating is to help you grow, help the other people grow, and discover things about yourself and others that you want to avoid or take into the next relationship.

0. Phase Zero: Throw away your list. You are not spouse shopping.

That's right. Although the ultimate goal, down the road, is to get married, the dating phase is not about hunting for a spouse. Not by a long shot. In fact, without the dating phase, you are most likely to choose the wrong spouse, if you find one at all.

If you have a list of your "perfect mate", you will avoid everyone who isn't checking off your list. You will get so pigeonholed, that you will miss the one God has for you. Let's just assume that your picker is broken or you'd be married already to a great spouse you are happy with.

The dating phase is where you heal and grow and learn about people.

1. Phase One: Dating at least six months, NO COMMITMENTS. 

Date as many people as possible without misleading them (be open about it) but without committing to any one person.

A date is: go out, do a thing with a person, go home. New and Interesting people and experiences. Then leave them alone. You can go out again with them, but...

A date is NOT: texting each other constantly, checking in to see how they are, good morning and goodnight texts, cutsie back and forths, dropping by for no reason. These are romance behaviors and do not belong in the dating phase.

The dating phase is intended for a person to go on dates with as many people as possible,  build awareness of the types of people available, character traits that people have you like and those you cannot accept, and it helps you reveal to yourself areas, responses and character issues you need to work on.

During this phase, you are growing as a person and helping others grow. You may even be the first person to show someone they should be raising their own standards and you helped them see that by being a safe space for the to learn. And they are showing you traits and characteristics you either cannot live with or never knew were available.

The opposite of dating non-exclusively for a period of time is "serial-daters" who basically run from one serious relationship to another without taking a significant time between to date casually. This is almost always a sign of an emotionally unhealthy individual who needs healing. This is where I was before reading these books.

By the end of this phase, you can make a new list. This time it is not what kinds of things he/she likes to do, eat, or wear... but a list of characteristics and character traits that you believe would be important in a future spouse. Make a list of deal-breakers, must-haves, and just wants. The book explains the difference in lists.

2. Phase Two: Relationship

Eventually, you find a person you would like to date exclusively, and this person agrees.

You've thought both logically (evaluated them as you would a candidate for a job, and made sure to run red flags past your friends and mentors) as well as emotionally (how do I feel about this person and about myself when I'm with them).

If your logic and emotions agree, and certain prerequisites you determined during the dating phase are met, and of this person agrees, you move to exclusively date each other.

All manner of marriage questions should be discussed, and you get to know each other. This is the "what if" questions, not the "will you" questions.

Exclusive dating should be 12-18 months before engagement is planned seriously. But by about 18 months, the relationship should either be moving toward engagement or it's probably time to end it. This timeframe is a general rule of thumb, not a specific hard line. Each person and couple is different.

3. Phase Three: Engagement

If you and this person both feel sure you want to commit for life, you move to engagement.

You:

• Read marriage books together
• Attend conferences.
• See a premarital Counselor (who's job should be to talk you out of it, because if he/she pushes and uncovers everything and you still want to proceed, then it's real).
• Solicit LOTS of feedback from friends and family to make sure you are not making a mistake.
• Plan the wedding but more importantly, plan the marriage. 

Since you've spent all the prep time, there need be no specific timeframe here. Maybe 2-6 months is a good starting place.

Conclusion:

Throughout all these phases, You ASK FOR feedback from friends and mentors and pastors. You make sure you LISTEN to what they say.

Don't dismiss their feedback as "you just don't understand". Take anything anyone says seriously. Even if they're wrong, ask yourself if they're seeing something you're unwilling to see.

Get married, keep dating, keep going to marriage conferences, keep working at it with drive and purpose. You don't get to settle once you get rings, that's when the real work starts.

If you regret it, you probably didn't follow this process or ask for enough feedback.

Click here to order from amazon:

"How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back" (affiliate link), by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Your Turn: Comment on the post below.

Marrieds: What was your experience? How would this have changed things for you if you didn't do it this way?

Singles: Did anything in this post suprise you? What do you think about changing the way you tink about dating?

Subscribe Now - Pursue a No Hiding Lifestyle 

Shalom: Live Long and Prosper!

Darrell Wolfe (DG Wolfe)

Storyteller | Writer | Thinker | Consultant @ DarrellWolfe.com

Clifton StrengthsFinder: Intellection, Learner, Ideation, Achiever, Input
16Personalities (Myers-Briggs Type): INFJ

Read more →